Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve

Happy New Year's Eve everyone!  And Happy New Year to all of my friends in Europe!

I had a nice day off from work.  I finally made it to see "Black Swan" and am sad to say that I don't see what all the fuss is about.  What a weird movie.  I love Natalie Portman, and she'll probably get heaps of awards, but seeing her with dimply poultry flesh and sprouting wings just did not do a lot for me.  I think they tried a bit too hard to take us on a psycho-sexual thrill-ride.

My other accomplishment for the day was to buy a new pair of running shoes.  My resolution for the upcoming year is to engage in at least 30 minutes of cardiovascular activity per day.  Even when it's raining.  That seems like an easier resolution to keep than being nice and cheerful to strangers.

I'm now watching South Carolina play Florida State in the Chick-fil-a Bowl (formerly Peach Bowl) in Atlanta.  It looks like it's going to be a long night for the Gamecocks, but it's still early.

I hope everyone has a great evening.  If you're out on the roads, please be safe and refrain from drinking and driving.

Thursday, December 30, 2010


It's New Year's Eve Eve.  And the end of my first week back at work.

I survived!  I'm not sure how I'll cope next week with a five day week though.  I'll think about that Monday.

Hmmm, I'm not sure what to do with myself now.  There's nothing on TV, and I've finished my laundry.  I think I'll settle in with the latest "Entertainment Weekly" that arrived today.

Tomorrow I plan on sleeping late and doing a quick closet purge so that I can make a trip to Goodwill before the new year.  I think I'll get rid of all of my fat clothes, so that I'm forced into a consistent exercise routine.

Maybe not.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Almost Done

One more day of work this week!  Right on!

It's still a struggle.  It's cold.  No one is motivated.  There is still nothing decent on TV, so there's nothing to look forward to in the evening.

And I just found out that Snooki will not be dropping inside the ball in Times Square on NYE.  So disappointed.  I suppose watching South Carolina play in the Chick-fil-a Bowl will have to serve as my entertainment for the evening.

Hmph.  It's 8 pm and I'm ready to crawl into a warm bed.  How pathetic is that?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Will this cold weather ever end?  This is not what I signed up for when I moved to the beach.  I think my toes are permanently frozen.

There is nothing decent on TV.  I'm watching "Dirty Jobs" right now, but other than that, it's slim pickings.

I just saw a commercial for the New York City Housewives starting in February.  I can't wait.  January is looking to be a cruel, cruel month.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Back to Work

I never realized that the first day back at work following a nice vacation could be so completely miserable.

Perhaps it's just the leftover slush covering the ground.  Or maybe it's that 3 coworkers got the ax while I was gone.  Whatever the reason, I'm in a complete and utter funk and I'm having a horrible time adjusting back to normal life.  Luckily, it's a short week, so I just need to make it to Thursday.

Fortunately, the desire to avoid work always tends to made me productive in other areas.  As a result, I've been to the bank, gone grocery shopping, made my 401k elections, put away Christmas bags and wrapping, unpacked my suitcase, called my insurance company, and returned some items to Old Navy.

I think I did everything short of beginning my 2010 tax return.  Ugh.  I'm not quite THAT motivated.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


It's snowing in Charleston.  I have no idea how people live with this.  It's pretty enough while falling, but making a slushy mess on the ground.  Luckily it doesn't appear to be accumulating, so by this time tomorrow it will just be a memory.

Jasper and Fletcher are going to freak out when they see it.

Look at little Jay-Z's Christmas pictures.  Isn't she the most adorable baby in the world?  I love the one with the devious grin.  She clearly looks like she's been up to something.  Maybe I can take her under my wing and teach her how to get into some serious mischief.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays) to all of my friends, family, and readers.

I had a great visit in Columbia.  Little Jaylee was quite entertaining and has grown heaps since Thanksgiving.  I'll post pictures tomorrow. 

I just back back to Charleston and walked the dogs.  We might be getting some snow.  Hell has definitely frozen over.

Santa was very good to me this year.  He (and his helpers) left me some much needed sweatshirts, various gift cards (including Chick-fil-a), a new stainless steel toaster, money, Clinique, and Louis Vuitton.  Thanks for hooking me up, Santa!

I'm pretty exhausted.  All of the driving over the past two days has worn me out.  I'll be retiring early tonight.  I hope everyone is having a festive holiday wherever you might be!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve

Santa Claus is coming to town!  Luckily, I just got back into town prior to his arrival.

I disembarked the ship at 8 am this morning and had not even reached I-95 when a flock of seagulls flew in front of my car.  I think I nailed one, feathers were flying everywhere.  I wasn't trying to hit them (honestly), but apparently Miami birds have a death wish.  Fortunately this was the only traffic mishap of the day.

Jasper and Fletcher were liberated around 5:30 pm.  I know---I made excellent time due to the lack of traffic.  The dogs had just been bathed and were happy to be going home.  They received good behavior reports.

I just finished wrapping presents and am finishing baking a pound cake.  After that, it's off to bed before Santa Claus comes.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Naughty or Nice

Today is the final full day of vacation and another Fun Day at Sea.  As a result, I've had a touch of cabin fever, and my behavior has been very, very naughty.  I'm sure to get switches in my Christmas stocking.

This morning started out on a sour note.  The relentless buzzing of non-supervised children finally took its toll on me, and I in turn imposed my wrath on a super-annoying 5 year-old who insisted on running and screaming throughout the Lido deck dining room.

Each time the little asshole made a pass near me, I accidentally tripped him with my outstretched leg.  Not once, but two times.  Much to my surprise, the little turd had remarkable recovery skills, and my best attempts to end his reign of terror barely even made him break his stride.

Yes, I know, tripping up small children will surely land me on Santa's naughty list, or possibly Satan's Most Wanted, but I believe that it's well worth the imposition if only to teach lessons to the youth of today.  Actually, a lesson would be better suited to the parents, all who tend to think that a cruise ship is a huge corral in which their little beasts can roam free and annoy fellow passengers.

My other moment of naughtiness happened after leaving midway through the 3:30 pm Christmas show.  I was on the way back to my cabin, walking the empty decks, when the ultimate opportunity presented itself.  Right there in the hallway on Deck 6 was a sight prettier than a  BMW with the key left in the ignition. 

Yep, you guessed it, an unsupervised Rascal sitting outside a random cabin.  I came really close to hijacking it, wondering what top speed I could reach while zooming down the length of the deck.  Surely it's not considered larceny as long as it doesn't leave the ship.

In the end, I decided against my little joyride.  Even a grinch like me has limits on the number of bad deeds performed in one day.

Tomorrow we arrive in Miami at 7 am and it's a mad dash back to Charleston to rescue the dogs from their spa retreat.  I hope they haven't given up hope yet.  Luckily, they have short-term memories, and a few dozen treats should eliminate any feelings of abandonment.


MToday I visited Jamaica for the first time.  I was very pleased--it's a beautiful county.  There was a tad bit more litter than I would like to see, but nothing that a "Keep Jamaica Beautiful" campaign could not take care of.

For my excursion, I rode into the countryside and took a raft ride down the Great River.  It was good fun, drifting down a crystal clear river on a long bamboo raft, in the manner of an Egyptian pharaoh or similar.  The "captain" of my raft, Noel, was an excellent source of entertainment, not that I understood all of what he said.  The accent was a bit more broken than even depicted in the movies, but the abundance of "Yeah, Mon" and "No, Mon" scattered throughout each sentence aids in the level of comprehension.

The ride ended in a visit to a local plantation run by a bossy little Jamaican lady intent on keeping us from getting back to the port so that we would be forced buy souvenirs in her shop.  Her plot was foiled by our bus guide, who seemed to be high on something other than life.

But seriously, you know what I found the funniest thing of all today?  White ladies who try to pull off cornrows.  It just doesn't work.

Tomorrow is the last full day on the ship before arriving back in Miami.  I've had heaps of fun, but I'm missing the dogs heaps, and cannot wait to give them their Christmas treats.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Grand Cayman

Today's port of call was Georgetown, Grand Cayman.  It happens to be one of my favorite ports.

We left late yesterday, and as a result, we arrived late today.  I'm sure it was because some passengers chose to arrive late back to the ship.  It happens every cruise, and I really wish they would make good on their threat to leave people.  Tardiness fucks it up for everyone.

So the shocking news is that I chose to go to the turtle farm for my excursion.  I happen to think sea turtles are pretty cool.  Because of the late arrival, the entire timing of the tours was mucked up.  After catching the tender to shore, we spent an hour huddled under a tent waiting for other passengers.

By the time the excursion got underway, I was hardly in the mood.  I was very underwhelmed by the turtle farm itself.  I don't understand how they can promote conservation, but still joke about having turtle on the menu.  And it hardly seems family appropriate to joke about the effects on male virility.  Not that I care much about being appropriate.

After taking the 30 minute tour of the farm, I couldn't bear the thought of spending another 2 hours at that place.  And I was not about to go swimming in the lagoon with the turtles.  Cute or not, turtles make poo, and that just does not sound very sanitary.  Instead, I successfully stowed away on another tour bus and made it back to the shopping district.

I did have quite a successful shopping trip.  I hit all of the stores that were offering free crap--sapphires, charms, opals, etc.  None of which I need, but I will proudly offer them to friends and family.  Not as Christmas gifts, but as extra souvenirs.

Tomorrow marks my first visit ever to Jamaica.  I'm very excited.  I definitely will need to remember the sunblock as I'm turning pinker by the day.  And having roasted skin is not something I normally aspired to.

Monday, December 20, 2010


It was a great day in Cozumel!

Parasailing was good fun.  It wasn't my first time, so I wasn't nervous or anything.  However, it was my first time attempting to do so immediately after eating breakfast.  I'm normally not prone to motion sickness, but being hoisted in the air at 9am immediately after eating a full breakfast was tempting fate I suppose.

I managed NOT to feed to fish, but it took great concentration.

After getting back on land, I had a Diet Coke to settle my stomach and walked around the island a bit.  Then, like a siren calling out to a sailor, Fat Tuesday began calling.  I know, a daiquiri probably wasn't the best choice after feeling so sick, but it's vacation, and I intend to go out swinging.

The strawberry and banana combination was just what the doctor ordered.  It brought back great memories of all the Saturday and Sunday afternoons spent at the Buckhead Fat Tuesday in my early days in Atlanta.  Good times.

Last night's show was hideous.  It was rock and roll themed, from the 50's up to current hits.  The only parts that came close to being of interest to me were the Blondie and ABBA numbers, but they massacred those horrifically.

I'm not a huge fan of unnecessary singing and dancing in any circumstance, but I've seen far better shows on other ships.  I feel for these entertainers.  I wonder if they had big dreams of making a living on Broadway?  Instead they're forced to perform tired numbers night after night in bad wigs and costumes.  At least they get to travel a bit, if that's any consolation.

Tomorrow is Grand Cayman.  I do not want to risk alienating my readers by divulging my planned excursion.  Not that anyone respects me, but I have an image to uphold.  So I'll keep the details secret until tomorrow...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ain't We Got Fun?

Today was a "Fun Day at Sea" aboard the Carnival Liberty.

For those of you familiar with Carnival cruises, you are surely familiar with the concept of everything being fun, fun, fun.

Last night's show was 30 minutes of singing and dancing to every song containing the word "fun", ending in FunShip Freddy, the creepy smokestack mascot, hip-hop dancing.  I walked out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my vacations, and I love cruising, but I'd just assume drop-kick one of these fucking screaming toddlers overboard before I would participate in the feelgood activities like making teddy bears and playing Scattegories.  I have been enjoying the Bingo, but that's where I draw the line.

My FunShip activity of the day has been playing a game I invented, "Pregnant or Fat?"  To be quite honest, I'm probably not the actual inventor, but I'm sure I'm the first person playing it aboard this ship.  It's actually harder than it sounds, but I think I'm winning.

Tomorrow is a wonderful day in Cozumel, where I engage in parasailing.  I thought about running in "The Amazing Race Cozumel",again (especially since I remember all the clues).  But my gold medal would feel tainted, so I will be content with the bronze won on my last cruise.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Greetings from somewhere south of Miami!

I made it safely to Titusville around 10 pm last night.  Home of Daniel Tosh, comic genius and star of "Tosh.0."  And a bigger asshole than me!

Finished the drive and made it to Miami before noon.  I'd forgotten what a shithole downtown Miami is.  Ugh.

As expected, the cream of the trailer park trash crop is on this cruise.  Maybe it's cheaper because it's the week before Christmas, and not the actual Christmas cruise.  Anywho, it's filled with the tired, the poor, and the hungry.  Well, actually they look like they've been eating pretty well.

I've already had one Rascal sighting.  In the ice cream line, no less.  Nothing sums up the state of our country like a lazy fat-ass riding their way to soft-serve.

The other highlight for the evening is the all-Asian Pink Floyd cover band currently playing on Deck 4.  They are actually pretty good.

So, the itinerary for the Carnival Liberty is as follows:

12/18/2010 Miami, Florida
12/20/2010 Cozumel, Mexico
12/21/2010 Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
12/22/2010 Montego Bay, Jamaica
12/24/2010 Miami, Florida

I'll keep you all posted on the numerous misadventures I intend to have.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Miss Me Much

Okey dokey, people.  I am officially ready to leave for vacation.

Never fret though, I think you'll still be getting your daily dose of Kevin.  I am a dedicated blogger, so I'll try my best to check in and recap my cruising adventures.  My reasoning is twofold:

  1. This will be a great way to chronical my memories.  I'm getting more forgettful by the day.
  2. More importantly, I love to mock white trash, and I will undoubtedly encounter enough to top off the largest landfill in New Jersey.  And the only other thing more fun than mocking white trash is sharing with others!
Peace out, homies.  Next step, Titusville, Florida.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I think I may have just set a record for packing.

I'm a horrible packer.  I just don't have the foresight to really analyze what I'll wear on vacation, so I end up just throwing a bunch of shit into a suitcase. 

On the plus side, it takes all of 10 minutes.  Right on!

I even packed workout clothes, which is a complete joke.  At least it will ease my conscience when I walk to the buffet decked out in my best jock-gear.  Sucking in my stomach all the way....

So now I have nothing more to obsess over.  I even managed to get my super-cute haircut today during lunch, so all of my errands are complete.

I hope to leave by four tomorrow, make a quick stop to see my boss in Jacksonville, then head to the Cape, where I'll spend the night.  Then up early Saturday morning for another 2 and a half hours before reaching Miami and hopping onto my boat.

Surely it has to be warmer in Florida by now.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Not much to say except what a day!  And more importantly, two more days left before venturing south.

It's still cold here.  They say it will be warming up tomorrow.  Warm being between 50 and 60 degrees.  No matter, I only have to handle this for 2 more days.  Surely it can't be this cold in Mexico!

I just got back from Wal-Mart.  I had to buy the doggies extra blankets for the dog spa, as well as extra treats from Santa Claus.  Yes, guilt is setting in.  I'm hoping that extra doggie junk food will help lessen the trauma.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


It hasn't been a good day for Hollywood marriages.  I just heard that Dexter and his wife/on-screen sister are splitting up after two years of marriage.  I know, it sounds so creepy.

And to add to the madness, the hottest couple ever invented, Scarlett Johannson and Ryan Reynolds, are also busted.  If they can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Free Breakfast

This is already turning out to be the best week ever!  The North Mt. Pleasant location of Chick-fil-a is offering free breakfast every day this week.  Each day features a different menu item, with chicken biscuits book-ending the week.

This is awesome.  My dilemma this morning was whether or not it was worth braving the sub-arctic temperatures.  Of course it was.

Last night's episode of "Dexter" was a real doozy.  Of course Dexter and Lumen ended up offing Jordan Chase, but the real excitement was that Deb came oh-so-close to catching the two of them cleaning up their cutlery.  The only thing that came between them and exposure was a sheet of plastic.  Fortunately, Deb's conscience kicked in and she decided to give the unknown (to her) perps a head start before she called in the crime scene.  This gave Dexter and Lumen just enough time to get away.

Quinn was also pinned with that shady cop's death, but he ended up getting off because Dexter deliberately botched the blood sample found on Quinn's shoe.  I guess that was his way of giving back since Deb graciously let him and Lumen escape.  Let's hope that decision doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.

The real downer of the evening came when Lumen dumped Dexter the morning after they got rid of Jordan Chase.  I'm so mad at her, that was quite a bitch move.  She just wasn't that into being a serial killing sidekick since all of her problems had been resolved.

So in the end, all of the happy couples, Deb and Quinn, LaGuerta and Batista, were reunited at Harrison's birthday party.  Everyone lives happily ever after except for Dexter.  At least now he can go back to being a total bad-ass without woman complications.

By the way, baby Harrison looked totally creepy in the final scene.  I hope they don't decide to do a flash-forward and begin next season with an older son being taught "the code" by Dad.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Normally I wouldn't be so cheerful on a Sunday, but today is an exception.  It's a cold and dreary Sunday no less, but I braved the elements and knocked out quite a bit of Christmas shopping.

So I just have to survive 5 short workdays before hitting the road for Florida and the Caribbean.  I can do it, I can do it.

The season finale of "Dexter" is tonight.  While I'm very exciting to see how things end up, it's bittersweet.  I have no idea what I'm going to watch on Sunday nights going forward.

Jasper and Fletcher have been really needy this weekend.  I think they sense their upcoming vacation at the doggie bed and breakfast.  I'm already feeling guilty about leaving them, so I made a huge batch of homemade oatmeal, honey, and cinnamon doggie biscuits.  They seemed pleased.

Repeat mantra.  Five more days, five more days.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Video of the Day

So here's a great video from my youth.  It was the first time in which I was not completely terrified by Annie Lennox.  Although between the bad wigs and creepy dolls, I probably should have been.

Friday, December 10, 2010

One More Week

Ah.  Friday.  Another hectic week, but I'm that much closer to vacation.

This time next week, I'll be on I-95 halfway to Florida.  I can barely contain my excitement.

I have a ton of shopping to do this weekend.  I still do not know what to buy for Christmas presents for the family.  Hopefully I will become inspired quickly.  If not, they might have to settle for sombreros and tequila from Mexico.

It's still freezing here.  On the plus side, it makes me sleep like a baby.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bad Day

I had a REALLY bad day at work.  We're nearing the end of a project, crunch time, and were hit with grenades by a nameless douchebag who suddenly decided to participate in meetings and read our documentation.  11th hour participation is not needed.

Needless to say, I have nothing good to say other than tomorrow is Friday and I am ready for bed.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

People I'd Invite To My Christmas Party...

...if I were actually having one.

My ultimate Christmas party list:

  1. Whoopi Goldberg
  2. Julia Roberts
  3. Lisa Kudrow
  4. Juliette Binoche
  5. Kelly Cutrone
  6. Jason Bateman
  7. Colin Firth
  8. Rafael Nadal
  9. Monica Seles
  10. Pam Shriver
  11. Bill and Hillary Clinton
  12. Joy Behar
  13. Ralph Fiennes
  14. Bradley Cooper
  15. Brett Michaels
  16. Kristin Chenoweth
  17. Mike Rowe
  18. Daniel Tosh
  19. Michael C. Hall
  20. Chelsea Handler

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Here are my random Tuesday thoughts:

  • I scraped the bottom of the barrel last night and tuned into "Skating With the Stars."  After 15 minutes of viewing and throwing up in my mouth, I decided that I would rather watch CNN than continue watching this DWTS rip-off.  Sorry Bethenny.
  • It is STILL cold as balls here.  WTF?  Am I living in freaking Canada?  I'm ready to flee to Florida, but it's cold there too.  Arg.
  • I had a surprisingly great day at work.  Things are really coming together with my project and team.  Knock on wood.
  • Elizabeth Edwards passed away today.  So sad.  John Edwards, I hope you still feel like a lying, cheating douchebag.
  • 8 more workdays until I leave for vacation.  Yay!
  • I finally figured out what a freaking WikiLeak is.  Thanks to "Skating With the Stars" forcing me to watch CNN.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Another weekend down...

Well, once again Monday has quickly arrived, spoiling my enjoyment of a nice weekend.

I've just now recovered from the horrible disappointment that was the SEC Championship game.  For those of you who have not yet heard, Auburn trounced South Carolina.  It was not pretty.  It's not how I wanted to end out the regular season, but I'm trying to stay focused on all the positive accomplishments made by the Gamecocks this year.

Beating Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Alabama, and Clemson.  Making it to Atlanta for the first time.  I'm sure they'll be back, and the next time hopefully they'll perform better.

Actually, South Carolina be returning to the Georgia Dome a little sooner than expected.  That's right, they've been invited to play in the Chick-fil-a Bowl on NYE.  Certainly not the Sugar Bowl, but I'm all for Chick-fil-a...

Last night was the next to the last episode of "Dexter".  In short, Lumen managed to get herself snatched by Angelina Jolie's ex, and Dexter was snatched by the naughty cop Quinn had stalking Dexter.  In the end, Dexter ended up disposing of the creep.  Quinn will be next if he doesn't watch out.

Next week should be excellent.  I'm not sure if Lumen will survive, but the previews made it look like Deb catches Dexter in the act of offing someone.  What a teaser!

I'm very disappointed that "The Walking Dead" is over for at least 6-9 months.  Last night's episode wasn't too eventful, unless you consider the CDC self-destructing eventful.  Damn computers.  Just because the emergency generators are running out of fuel is no reason to destroy an entirely good building.  The head doctor and one of the original ladies from the camp remained behind.  The rest of the group escaped just in time. On a related note, not that I'm an uber-genius, but you would think that someplace as advanced as the CDC would have invested in solar energy and not be reliant on tanks of fuel in the basement.

I'm not sure where they're headed now.  Maybe they can make it to Hartsfield-Jackson International, grab a plane, and make it to Paris.  That's apparently where the really smart scientists were making progress towards a cure.  Could be worse places to end up.  Very fashion-forward zombies there, I'm sure.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Band Aid

No Christmas season would complete without listening to my favorite holiday song about 1000 times.

Back in the 80's, I was obsessed with England.  Some things never change, right?  The song "Do They Know It's Christmas" did plenty to fuel my obsession, and the song still withstands the test of time.  And I hate to go Benedict Arnold against my own country, but it's way better than "We Are the World"!

How many cool Brits could they cram into one video?  I really wanted to hang out with Duran Duran.  Perhaps be their little mascot or similar.

And check out Bono.  He looks like an unfortunate trailer park wife.  Bless his heart.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Happy 100th!

Happy 100th post!  I never knew I had it in me.

It's Saturday, and you know what that means---SEC Championship this afternoon.  The South Carolina Gamecocks take on Scam Newton and Auburn in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta.  Go Cocks!

It's still freezing here.  I'm not sure I'm going to make it two weeks until Miami and the cruise.

I had an unusual Friday night dining experience last night.  I wanted to go to places which I rarely frequent, just to give Long Point Grille a break.  So I went to Sodawater Grill.  Closed.  Meaning closed for business, not just for the evening.  Shocker.  So then I tried Benito's Brick Oven Pizzeria in Towne Centre.  Empty.

It was madness.  I was afraid to go anywhere else for fear of jinxing any more of my favorite places.  In the end, I went to La Hacienda, where business was booming.  Viva Mexico!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Video of the Day

It's not officially winter, but I figured it was cold enough to rock out to this video.

How couldn't you love The Bangles?  Susanna Hoffs was one of the hottest bad-ass chicks to come out of the 80's.  And this was WAY better than that dumb Egyptian song...

Thursday, December 2, 2010


There must be a whole herd of torros in the atmosphere, because it's suddenly FREEZING!  I know, we're spoiled here in Charleston, and most of the country is already feeling the chill of winter.  But this is just a drastic change, especially since it was 81 degrees last week on Thanksgiving.

Time to break out the sweatshirts...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

December is Here

December is finally here.  Right on!  That much closer to the cruise.

Here's a festive picture of my sister and me taken last Christmas.  I really have no idea why I was so obsessed with wearing a Santa cap.  I was probably having a bad hair day.

It's Hump Day, but I'm afraid I've run out of Hump-related songs.  Instead, I'll share my wacky dream from last night.

In this dream, I was riding in an airplane.  We had just taken off.  I was seated near the front of the plane, but there was no cockpit, so I could see clearly out the front.  Just past the end of the runway, there was a dense forest full of pine trees.  As we were accelerating and just lifting off, I noticed that we weren't getting the proper amount of lift, and I knew that we wouldn't clear the top of the approaching trees.

We were going to crash, so I ran to the back of the plane, thinking that it would be a little less traumatic to not be the first thing to come into contact with one of the trees.

Fortunately, that part of the dream fast-forwarded and I found myself in the middle of nowhere, in a town that was completely unfamiliar with me.  Total hickville, but with a Midwestern feel.  For some reason, I was working as a taxi driver.  I was completely lost, but I had a GPS in my car, so it was OK.  Mike Rowe from "Dirt Jobs" and Daniel Tosh were two of my fellow drivers.

I stopped at a flea market to pick up a fare.  Suddenly, chaos broke loose, and people were screaming that a tornado was approaching.  Before I could react, everything was being swept away, including me.  I know, it's very "Wizard of Oz".

When I finally landed, I had been taken back in time to an ancient Mayan civilization.  I was placed smack dab on top of a pyramid, where a high priest was trying to sacrifice me.  Of course I managed to escape.  I ran and ran, until I finally found refuge in a little mud hut occupied by a friendly Mayan family.

They were preparing for a traditional family wedding and said I could help them get ready for the festivities in exchange for safe refuge.  I thought this was fair, until I found out that my task would be helping to hand-roll candles out of beeswax.  Apparently this was the party favor for each of the guests.  And there were over 600 invited!

The most amazing part of that dream is that I somehow knew how to speak the ancient Mayan language with a high degree of proficiency.

The next thing I remember, I was back in an airplane and preparing to land in Atlanta.

I know what you're thinking.  My dreams make absolutely no sense, but that is how my brain works.  Perhaps that explains why I wake up every morning exhausted.