Thursday, September 30, 2010

Welcome to Earth, Jaylee

Well, my baby sister had her baby around 4:30 PM.  Little Jaylee.  I prefer Jay-Z, so that is what I shall call her.

I'm not seeing her until tomorrow.  I was a little surprised that she came so late in the day, so I'm going to give Mom, Dad, and the baby a little time to rest before I make my appearance.

I hope she likes me.  (Especially when I am 70 years old).

And I hope she is not bratty and rude.  My sister turned out just fine, so I really don't think I have anything to worry about.

Congratulations Ashley and Jay!  I'll be roaring down I-77 tomorrow after lunch.  Is Chick-fil-a a more appropriate post-birth present than flowers?

Friends, Family, and Hospitals...

I’m in Charlotte for work right now, in body but definitely not in spirit.

I drove up from Charleston yesterday, stopping in Columbia to visit a life-long friend whose mother suddenly fell ill.  The situation is pretty grim and my heart goes out to her.  We go back over 25 years.

I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty smart.  I could probably tell you every member of the Capetian or Valois French dynasties.  But when it comes to a crisis or anything requiring emotional strength, I’ll be the first to admit I’m the biggest dumb-ass in the world.  I felt, and still feel, hopeless.  What can I do to help?  Anything? Nothing?  Should I come?  Would I be in the way?  What do YOU need, if anything?  It’s not at all about me or my feelings really, but how I feel for my dear friend.  It sucks.

I was telling another friend that during situations like this, I’m always reminded of the movie “Steel Magnolias”.  Right after Julia Roberts dies, Sally Field wants to go get little Jack from Aunt Fern’s.  So she drives through the bayou all night, and arrives just after dawn.  Aunt Fern comes out in her bathrobe and throws little Jack into Sally Field’s open arms.  Tears and violins.

So life is not a movie, but I’d just like to tell all of my friends out there, if you need me, I will definitely drive through a bayou all night for you.  No question.  But please be explicit and tell me what you need and when you need it.  Because, despite all the fancy trimmings, at the end of the day, I’m just a dumb guy who does not know what to do.

Completing this circle of life saga, in another hospital 5 minutes away, my little sister was admitted last night and will be having her first baby at some point today.  I sat with her for a few hours last night before driving up here.  To be honest, that kind of freaked me out a little bit too.  But only because she’s my baby sister and I still honestly think of her as a 5 year old.  But she’s all grown up, 25 and married.  So my denial will have to shift elsewhere.

Good luck Ashley and Jay!  I cannot wait to see you and my little niece tomorrow.  I will definitely bring you a Chick-fil-a sandwich if you want!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Glee Sucks

I know I run the risk of alienating a lot of my own friends with this post, but I'd just like to formally, once and for all, express my opinion on the phenom known as "Glee".

What's the big freaking deal?  Last night, while waiting for a more quality show ("Flipping Out") to begin, I channel surfed and accidentally landed in the middle of Glee's Britney Spears episode.  I would have rather landed a case of extreme diarrhea.

Simply put, all that singing is JUST NOT NATURAL and EXTREMELY IRRITATING.  Broadway is slightly more tolerable, in small doses, but it's Broadway, and such glee is to be expected.  This "Fame" rip-off ("we all go to the performing arts school and burst into random song in the middle of the hallways") is a bit excessive.  Yes, I know it's just a show, but it's still just way too much.  And why was their teacher/sponsor in the middle of the pack performing a routine at a pep rally?  With a high-pitched sissy voice?  No wonder he's having trouble getting his woman. 

Just way too many irritating elements to list here.  At least they have a resident-bitch character who tries to sabotage their best-laid plans.  Not that I care or anything.

I wish I could say that "Flipping Out" was more awesome, but after a stressful day, I do not remember too many of the details.  Jeff was mean to Sarah.  Big change.  Different week, different victim.  Still an a-hole, but still have to love him.  At least he's open and up-front about his evil ways.  Too bad the season is close to wrapping up....

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


First of all, just a word of warning. I'm notorious for accidentally ruining surprises, so just assume that everything on my blog is a spoiler. At the rate it's going right now, I'm not keeping up with my shows in a timely manner, so I'm probably the last to know.

I finally caught this week's episode of "Dexter" last night. Maybe it was my frame of mind, but I was not overly enthralled. To be honest, after years of Rita getting on my last nerve, I was kind of sad to see her go. I don't know if there's anything they could have done differently to transition the two seasons, but I'm ready for them to jump into action with this season.

Things I found interesting...

Dexter telling the kids their mother had been slaughtered. While he was wearing a Mickey Mouse hat. How freaking twisted is that?

I cannot believe Deb boinked Quinn. I know people react differently to stress and grief, but they had just finished cleaning up Rita's blood from the bathroom. How does that make one horny? And he's such a DOUCHE! I really could have done without the nasty little ass-shot featuring his low-rise man-tan.


Monday, September 27, 2010

Amazing Race

Well, my plans to watch the season premiere of "Dexter" were derailed by CBS and NFL football.  Because the game ran over, I had to make a Sophie's Choice between "Dexter" and the premiere of "The Amazing Race".  The race won out, only because I knew that I could always catch up on "Dexter" on-demand.  Hopefully before next Sunday's episode.

I used to think that I would be a perfect contestant for the race, but my meltdown in the Detroit airport last week debunked that theory.  Unless you've been in the position, you have no idea how stressful traveling is.  Not to mention throwing in challenges that involved getting whacked in the face with a watermelon.

I will leave it to the youngsters.  I am now realistic enough to admit that I could not handle the stress, and am not desperate enough for a challenge.

The episode was pretty entertaining though.  It's always fun to see the teams so "rah-rah-rah-i-can't-believe-we're-on-the-amazing-race" in the beginning, only to have the reality set in quickly.  I'm not sure if I have a clear favorite yet, but there are definitely a few easily-identifiable douches.

P.S.---Is it just me, or does Phil look about 10 years older since last season?  All those miles must be catching up with him.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Other random thoughts---

  • I was getting on the interstate yesterday and there was a squirrel lying in the middle of the on-ramp---in his final death throes.  I've seen my share of road-kill before, but never "freshly hit and not quite yet" killed.  It was disturbing, the twitching and jerking still haunts me.  But in the end,  I can't but think that he deserved it, since countless rodents have tested my brake reflexes.  You're playing a dangerous game, little squirrels.  Life is not a GEICO commercial where you high-five your little buddies...

  • Very much looking forward to the season premiere of "Dexter" tonight.  I'd just like to remind everyone that I predicted last season's outcome a year in advance (just in case the show's writers read my blog and would like to extend an opportunity).


Everyone knows about my love-hate relationship with those uniformed she-devils better known as the Girl Scouts.  Scouting for victims, like sirens luring sailors to a watery death, the temptresses appear in my life once a year to shove boxes and boxes of Samoas at me.  Five minutes later, I'm walking away twenty dollars poorer.  A few hours later, I've managed to binge on at least one box.  One week later, I'm popping buttons on my shorts.

As if that is not bad enough, now we have the Boy Scouts of America, and man, the Girls Scouts don't have a thing on those little dudes.  I was at the Harris Teeter last weekend when I got jumped by the little gang.

"Sir, would you like to buy some popcorn?"  The little blue-uniformed dumpling (=fatass) was completely lacking in sales skills, but I played along.  I wanted to support a cause, if only for selfish reasons like improving my own damaged karma.

The choices were boxes of popcorn and bags of gourmet chocolate-covered popcorn---my sweet-tooth won out.

This is when I got the shock.  Twenty dollars a bag.  I was too mortified to back out of the transaction.  I have no idea why.  I love to terrify children.  And I'm usually not shy about being an asshole overall, but money makes me uncomfortable.

So I took the popcorn.  All I could think about on the way back to my car was comparing the business plans between the two groups.  The Girl Scouts obviously deal in volume.  The Boys upped the ante and are targeting a higher-end niche market.  Are these kids the future of corporate America?

In the end, I'm still going with the cookies for now on.  That popcorn was crap.  Like a bagful of rabbit turds made by an eighth-grader taking Home Economics for the quarter.  Gourmet my ass.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Like a virgin...

blog for the very first time...

Ok, for my friends out there who've heard "I want to write" spewing out of my mouth for the past 20 years...this one's for you.

I'm not deluded enough to think that anyone will find anything I have to say particulary interesting, but that's never really deterred me in the past.

So now that I officially have a blog, what do I have to say?  Ugh-the pressure of being put on the spot.  I think I have stage fright.  No worries, I'm sure I'll be back to my outspoken, grumpy, bitch-and-complain self by tomorrow, especially with the beginning of another work week looming and a fresh set of TV shows starting.

A Saturday night during football season might not have been the best time to express myself, so on that note, I think I'll get ready to watch the South Carolina-Auburn game on ESPN in a half hour.  GO COCKS!!!  I hope the fact that I just ate a dozen chicken wings does not curse my team.

P.S.-A big shout out to my main homegirl in Atlanta.