New Year's Eve

Happy New Year's Eve everyone!  And Happy New Year to all of my friends in Europe!

I had a nice day off from work.  I finally made it to see "Black Swan" and am sad to say that I don't see what all the fuss is about.  What a weird movie.  I love Natalie Portman, and she'll probably get heaps of awards, but seeing her with dimply poultry flesh and sprouting wings just did not do a lot for me.  I think they tried a bit too hard to take us on a psycho-sexual thrill-ride.

My other accomplishment for the day was to buy a new pair of running shoes.  My resolution for the upcoming year is to engage in at least 30 minutes of cardiovascular activity per day.  Even when it's raining.  That seems like an easier resolution to keep than being nice and cheerful to strangers.

I'm now watching South Carolina play Florida State in the Chick-fil-a Bowl (formerly Peach Bowl) in Atlanta.  It looks like it's going to be a long night for the Gamecocks, but it's still early.

I hope everyone has a great evening.  If you're out on the roads, please be safe and refrain from drinking and driving.

NYE Eve

It's New Year's Eve Eve.  And the end of my first week back at work.

I survived!  I'm not sure how I'll cope next week with a five day week though.  I'll think about that Monday.

Hmmm, I'm not sure what to do with myself now.  There's nothing on TV, and I've finished my laundry.  I think I'll settle in with the latest "Entertainment Weekly" that arrived today.

Tomorrow I plan on sleeping late and doing a quick closet purge so that I can make a trip to Goodwill before the new year.  I think I'll get rid of all of my fat clothes, so that I'm forced into a consistent exercise routine.

Maybe not.

Almost Done

One more day of work this week!  Right on!

It's still a struggle.  It's cold.  No one is motivated.  There is still nothing decent on TV, so there's nothing to look forward to in the evening.

And I just found out that Snooki will not be dropping inside the ball in Times Square on NYE.  So disappointed.  I suppose watching South Carolina play in the Chick-fil-a Bowl will have to serve as my entertainment for the evening.

Hmph.  It's 8 pm and I'm ready to crawl into a warm bed.  How pathetic is that?

Tuesday

Will this cold weather ever end?  This is not what I signed up for when I moved to the beach.  I think my toes are permanently frozen.

There is nothing decent on TV.  I'm watching "Dirty Jobs" right now, but other than that, it's slim pickings.

I just saw a commercial for the New York City Housewives starting in February.  I can't wait.  January is looking to be a cruel, cruel month.

Back to Work

I never realized that the first day back at work following a nice vacation could be so completely miserable.

Perhaps it's just the leftover slush covering the ground.  Or maybe it's that 3 coworkers got the ax while I was gone.  Whatever the reason, I'm in a complete and utter funk and I'm having a horrible time adjusting back to normal life.  Luckily, it's a short week, so I just need to make it to Thursday.

Fortunately, the desire to avoid work always tends to made me productive in other areas.  As a result, I've been to the bank, gone grocery shopping, made my 401k elections, put away Christmas bags and wrapping, unpacked my suitcase, called my insurance company, and returned some items to Old Navy.

I think I did everything short of beginning my 2010 tax return.  Ugh.  I'm not quite THAT motivated.

Snow

It's snowing in Charleston.  I have no idea how people live with this.  It's pretty enough while falling, but making a slushy mess on the ground.  Luckily it doesn't appear to be accumulating, so by this time tomorrow it will just be a memory.

Jasper and Fletcher are going to freak out when they see it.

Look at little Jay-Z's Christmas pictures.  Isn't she the most adorable baby in the world?  I love the one with the devious grin.  She clearly looks like she's been up to something.  Maybe I can take her under my wing and teach her how to get into some serious mischief.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays) to all of my friends, family, and readers.

I had a great visit in Columbia.  Little Jaylee was quite entertaining and has grown heaps since Thanksgiving.  I'll post pictures tomorrow. 

I just back back to Charleston and walked the dogs.  We might be getting some snow.  Hell has definitely frozen over.

Santa was very good to me this year.  He (and his helpers) left me some much needed sweatshirts, various gift cards (including Chick-fil-a), a new stainless steel toaster, money, Clinique, and Louis Vuitton.  Thanks for hooking me up, Santa!

I'm pretty exhausted.  All of the driving over the past two days has worn me out.  I'll be retiring early tonight.  I hope everyone is having a festive holiday wherever you might be!

Christmas Eve

Santa Claus is coming to town!  Luckily, I just got back into town prior to his arrival.

I disembarked the ship at 8 am this morning and had not even reached I-95 when a flock of seagulls flew in front of my car.  I think I nailed one, feathers were flying everywhere.  I wasn't trying to hit them (honestly), but apparently Miami birds have a death wish.  Fortunately this was the only traffic mishap of the day.

Jasper and Fletcher were liberated around 5:30 pm.  I know---I made excellent time due to the lack of traffic.  The dogs had just been bathed and were happy to be going home.  They received good behavior reports.

I just finished wrapping presents and am finishing baking a pound cake.  After that, it's off to bed before Santa Claus comes.

Naughty or Nice

Today is the final full day of vacation and another Fun Day at Sea.  As a result, I've had a touch of cabin fever, and my behavior has been very, very naughty.  I'm sure to get switches in my Christmas stocking.

This morning started out on a sour note.  The relentless buzzing of non-supervised children finally took its toll on me, and I in turn imposed my wrath on a super-annoying 5 year-old who insisted on running and screaming throughout the Lido deck dining room.

Each time the little asshole made a pass near me, I accidentally tripped him with my outstretched leg.  Not once, but two times.  Much to my surprise, the little turd had remarkable recovery skills, and my best attempts to end his reign of terror barely even made him break his stride.

Yes, I know, tripping up small children will surely land me on Santa's naughty list, or possibly Satan's Most Wanted, but I believe that it's well worth the imposition if only to teach lessons to the youth of today.  Actually, a lesson would be better suited to the parents, all who tend to think that a cruise ship is a huge corral in which their little beasts can roam free and annoy fellow passengers.

My other moment of naughtiness happened after leaving midway through the 3:30 pm Christmas show.  I was on the way back to my cabin, walking the empty decks, when the ultimate opportunity presented itself.  Right there in the hallway on Deck 6 was a sight prettier than a  BMW with the key left in the ignition. 

Yep, you guessed it, an unsupervised Rascal sitting outside a random cabin.  I came really close to hijacking it, wondering what top speed I could reach while zooming down the length of the deck.  Surely it's not considered larceny as long as it doesn't leave the ship.

In the end, I decided against my little joyride.  Even a grinch like me has limits on the number of bad deeds performed in one day.

Tomorrow we arrive in Miami at 7 am and it's a mad dash back to Charleston to rescue the dogs from their spa retreat.  I hope they haven't given up hope yet.  Luckily, they have short-term memories, and a few dozen treats should eliminate any feelings of abandonment.

Jamaica

MToday I visited Jamaica for the first time.  I was very pleased--it's a beautiful county.  There was a tad bit more litter than I would like to see, but nothing that a "Keep Jamaica Beautiful" campaign could not take care of.

For my excursion, I rode into the countryside and took a raft ride down the Great River.  It was good fun, drifting down a crystal clear river on a long bamboo raft, in the manner of an Egyptian pharaoh or similar.  The "captain" of my raft, Noel, was an excellent source of entertainment, not that I understood all of what he said.  The accent was a bit more broken than even depicted in the movies, but the abundance of "Yeah, Mon" and "No, Mon" scattered throughout each sentence aids in the level of comprehension.

The ride ended in a visit to a local plantation run by a bossy little Jamaican lady intent on keeping us from getting back to the port so that we would be forced buy souvenirs in her shop.  Her plot was foiled by our bus guide, who seemed to be high on something other than life.

But seriously, you know what I found the funniest thing of all today?  White ladies who try to pull off cornrows.  It just doesn't work.

Tomorrow is the last full day on the ship before arriving back in Miami.  I've had heaps of fun, but I'm missing the dogs heaps, and cannot wait to give them their Christmas treats.

Grand Cayman

Today's port of call was Georgetown, Grand Cayman.  It happens to be one of my favorite ports.

We left late yesterday, and as a result, we arrived late today.  I'm sure it was because some passengers chose to arrive late back to the ship.  It happens every cruise, and I really wish they would make good on their threat to leave people.  Tardiness fucks it up for everyone.

So the shocking news is that I chose to go to the turtle farm for my excursion.  I happen to think sea turtles are pretty cool.  Because of the late arrival, the entire timing of the tours was mucked up.  After catching the tender to shore, we spent an hour huddled under a tent waiting for other passengers.

By the time the excursion got underway, I was hardly in the mood.  I was very underwhelmed by the turtle farm itself.  I don't understand how they can promote conservation, but still joke about having turtle on the menu.  And it hardly seems family appropriate to joke about the effects on male virility.  Not that I care much about being appropriate.

After taking the 30 minute tour of the farm, I couldn't bear the thought of spending another 2 hours at that place.  And I was not about to go swimming in the lagoon with the turtles.  Cute or not, turtles make poo, and that just does not sound very sanitary.  Instead, I successfully stowed away on another tour bus and made it back to the shopping district.

I did have quite a successful shopping trip.  I hit all of the stores that were offering free crap--sapphires, charms, opals, etc.  None of which I need, but I will proudly offer them to friends and family.  Not as Christmas gifts, but as extra souvenirs.

Tomorrow marks my first visit ever to Jamaica.  I'm very excited.  I definitely will need to remember the sunblock as I'm turning pinker by the day.  And having roasted skin is not something I normally aspired to.

Cozumel

It was a great day in Cozumel!

Parasailing was good fun.  It wasn't my first time, so I wasn't nervous or anything.  However, it was my first time attempting to do so immediately after eating breakfast.  I'm normally not prone to motion sickness, but being hoisted in the air at 9am immediately after eating a full breakfast was tempting fate I suppose.

I managed NOT to feed to fish, but it took great concentration.

After getting back on land, I had a Diet Coke to settle my stomach and walked around the island a bit.  Then, like a siren calling out to a sailor, Fat Tuesday began calling.  I know, a daiquiri probably wasn't the best choice after feeling so sick, but it's vacation, and I intend to go out swinging.

The strawberry and banana combination was just what the doctor ordered.  It brought back great memories of all the Saturday and Sunday afternoons spent at the Buckhead Fat Tuesday in my early days in Atlanta.  Good times.

Last night's show was hideous.  It was rock and roll themed, from the 50's up to current hits.  The only parts that came close to being of interest to me were the Blondie and ABBA numbers, but they massacred those horrifically.

I'm not a huge fan of unnecessary singing and dancing in any circumstance, but I've seen far better shows on other ships.  I feel for these entertainers.  I wonder if they had big dreams of making a living on Broadway?  Instead they're forced to perform tired numbers night after night in bad wigs and costumes.  At least they get to travel a bit, if that's any consolation.

Tomorrow is Grand Cayman.  I do not want to risk alienating my readers by divulging my planned excursion.  Not that anyone respects me, but I have an image to uphold.  So I'll keep the details secret until tomorrow...

Ain't We Got Fun?

Today was a "Fun Day at Sea" aboard the Carnival Liberty.

For those of you familiar with Carnival cruises, you are surely familiar with the concept of everything being fun, fun, fun.

Last night's show was 30 minutes of singing and dancing to every song containing the word "fun", ending in FunShip Freddy, the creepy smokestack mascot, hip-hop dancing.  I walked out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my vacations, and I love cruising, but I'd just assume drop-kick one of these fucking screaming toddlers overboard before I would participate in the feelgood activities like making teddy bears and playing Scattegories.  I have been enjoying the Bingo, but that's where I draw the line.

My FunShip activity of the day has been playing a game I invented, "Pregnant or Fat?"  To be quite honest, I'm probably not the actual inventor, but I'm sure I'm the first person playing it aboard this ship.  It's actually harder than it sounds, but I think I'm winning.

Tomorrow is a wonderful day in Cozumel, where I engage in parasailing.  I thought about running in "The Amazing Race Cozumel",again (especially since I remember all the clues).  But my gold medal would feel tainted, so I will be content with the bronze won on my last cruise.

Cruising

Greetings from somewhere south of Miami!

I made it safely to Titusville around 10 pm last night.  Home of Daniel Tosh, comic genius and star of "Tosh.0."  And a bigger asshole than me!

Finished the drive and made it to Miami before noon.  I'd forgotten what a shithole downtown Miami is.  Ugh.

As expected, the cream of the trailer park trash crop is on this cruise.  Maybe it's cheaper because it's the week before Christmas, and not the actual Christmas cruise.  Anywho, it's filled with the tired, the poor, and the hungry.  Well, actually they look like they've been eating pretty well.

I've already had one Rascal sighting.  In the ice cream line, no less.  Nothing sums up the state of our country like a lazy fat-ass riding their way to soft-serve.

The other highlight for the evening is the all-Asian Pink Floyd cover band currently playing on Deck 4.  They are actually pretty good.

So, the itinerary for the Carnival Liberty is as follows:

12/18/2010 Miami, Florida
12/20/2010 Cozumel, Mexico
12/21/2010 Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
12/22/2010 Montego Bay, Jamaica
12/24/2010 Miami, Florida

I'll keep you all posted on the numerous misadventures I intend to have.

Miss Me Much

Okey dokey, people.  I am officially ready to leave for vacation.

Never fret though, I think you'll still be getting your daily dose of Kevin.  I am a dedicated blogger, so I'll try my best to check in and recap my cruising adventures.  My reasoning is twofold:

1. This will be a great way to chronical my memories.  I'm getting more forgettful by the day.
2. More importantly, I love to mock white trash, and I will undoubtedly encounter enough to top off the largest landfill in New Jersey.  And the only other thing more fun than mocking white trash is sharing with others!

Peace out, homies.  Next step, Titusville, Florida.

Packing

I think I may have just set a record for packing.

I'm a horrible packer.  I just don't have the foresight to really analyze what I'll wear on vacation, so I end up just throwing a bunch of shit into a suitcase. 

On the plus side, it takes all of 10 minutes.  Right on!

I even packed workout clothes, which is a complete joke.  At least it will ease my conscience when I walk to the buffet decked out in my best jock-gear.  Sucking in my stomach all the way....

So now I have nothing more to obsess over.  I even managed to get my super-cute haircut today during lunch, so all of my errands are complete.

I hope to leave by four tomorrow, make a quick stop to see my boss in Jacksonville, then head to the Cape, where I'll spend the night.  Then up early Saturday morning for another 2 and a half hours before reaching Miami and hopping onto my boat.

Surely it has to be warmer in Florida by now.

Wednesday

Not much to say except what a day!  And more importantly, two more days left before venturing south.

It's still cold here.  They say it will be warming up tomorrow.  Warm being between 50 and 60 degrees.  No matter, I only have to handle this for 2 more days.  Surely it can't be this cold in Mexico!

I just got back from Wal-Mart.  I had to buy the doggies extra blankets for the dog spa, as well as extra treats from Santa Claus.  Yes, guilt is setting in.  I'm hoping that extra doggie junk food will help lessen the trauma.

Divorce

It hasn't been a good day for Hollywood marriages.  I just heard that Dexter and his wife/on-screen sister are splitting up after two years of marriage.  I know, it sounds so creepy.

And to add to the madness, the hottest couple ever invented, Scarlett Johannson and Ryan Reynolds, are also busted.  If they can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Free Breakfast

This is already turning out to be the best week ever!  The North Mt. Pleasant location of Chick-fil-a is offering free breakfast every day this week.  Each day features a different menu item, with chicken biscuits book-ending the week.

This is awesome.  My dilemma this morning was whether or not it was worth braving the sub-arctic temperatures.  Of course it was.

Last night's episode of "Dexter" was a real doozy.  Of course Dexter and Lumen ended up offing Jordan Chase, but the real excitement was that Deb came oh-so-close to catching the two of them cleaning up their cutlery.  The only thing that came between them and exposure was a sheet of plastic.  Fortunately, Deb's conscience kicked in and she decided to give the unknown (to her) perps a head start before she called in the crime scene.  This gave Dexter and Lumen just enough time to get away.

Quinn was also pinned with that shady cop's death, but he ended up getting off because Dexter deliberately botched the blood sample found on Quinn's shoe.  I guess that was his way of giving back since Deb graciously let him and Lumen escape.  Let's hope that decision doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.

The real downer of the evening came when Lumen dumped Dexter the morning after they got rid of Jordan Chase.  I'm so mad at her, that was quite a bitch move.  She just wasn't that into being a serial killing sidekick since all of her problems had been resolved.

So in the end, all of the happy couples, Deb and Quinn, LaGuerta and Batista, were reunited at Harrison's birthday party.  Everyone lives happily ever after except for Dexter.  At least now he can go back to being a total bad-ass without woman complications.

By the way, baby Harrison looked totally creepy in the final scene.  I hope they don't decide to do a flash-forward and begin next season with an older son being taught "the code" by Dad.

Sunday

Normally I wouldn't be so cheerful on a Sunday, but today is an exception.  It's a cold and dreary Sunday no less, but I braved the elements and knocked out quite a bit of Christmas shopping.

So I just have to survive 5 short workdays before hitting the road for Florida and the Caribbean.  I can do it, I can do it.

The season finale of "Dexter" is tonight.  While I'm very exciting to see how things end up, it's bittersweet.  I have no idea what I'm going to watch on Sunday nights going forward.

Jasper and Fletcher have been really needy this weekend.  I think they sense their upcoming vacation at the doggie bed and breakfast.  I'm already feeling guilty about leaving them, so I made a huge batch of homemade oatmeal, honey, and cinnamon doggie biscuits.  They seemed pleased.

Repeat mantra.  Five more days, five more days.

Video of the Day

So here's a great video from my youth.  It was the first time in which I was not completely terrified by Annie Lennox.  Although between the bad wigs and creepy dolls, I probably should have been.

One More Week

Ah.  Friday.  Another hectic week, but I'm that much closer to vacation.

This time next week, I'll be on I-95 halfway to Florida.  I can barely contain my excitement.

I have a ton of shopping to do this weekend.  I still do not know what to buy for Christmas presents for the family.  Hopefully I will become inspired quickly.  If not, they might have to settle for sombreros and tequila from Mexico.

It's still freezing here.  On the plus side, it makes me sleep like a baby.

Bad Day

I had a REALLY bad day at work.  We're nearing the end of a project, crunch time, and were hit with grenades by a nameless douchebag who suddenly decided to participate in meetings and read our documentation.  11th hour participation is not needed.

Needless to say, I have nothing good to say other than tomorrow is Friday and I am ready for bed.

People I'd Invite To My Christmas Party...

...if I were actually having one.

My ultimate Christmas party list:

 

1. Whoopi Goldberg
2. Julia Roberts
3. Lisa Kudrow
4. Juliette Binoche
5. Kelly Cutrone
6. Jason Bateman
7. Colin Firth
8. Rafael Nadal
9. Monica Seles
10. Pam Shriver
11. Bill and Hillary Clinton
12. Joy Behar
13. Ralph Fiennes
14. Bradley Cooper
15. Brett Michaels
16. Kristin Chenoweth
17. Mike Rowe
18. Daniel Tosh
19. Michael C. Hall
20. Chelsea Handler

Tuesday

Here are my random Tuesday thoughts:

• I scraped the bottom of the barrel last night and tuned into "Skating With the Stars."  After 15 minutes of viewing and throwing up in my mouth, I decided that I would rather watch CNN than continue watching this DWTS rip-off.  Sorry Bethenny.
• It is STILL cold as balls here.  WTF?  Am I living in freaking Canada?  I'm ready to flee to Florida, but it's cold there too.  Arg.
• I had a surprisingly great day at work.  Things are really coming together with my project and team.  Knock on wood.
• Elizabeth Edwards passed away today.  So sad.  John Edwards, I hope you still feel like a lying, cheating douchebag.
• 8 more workdays until I leave for vacation.  Yay!
• I finally figured out what a freaking WikiLeak is.  Thanks to "Skating With the Stars" forcing me to watch CNN.

Another weekend down...

Well, once again Monday has quickly arrived, spoiling my enjoyment of a nice weekend.

I've just now recovered from the horrible disappointment that was the SEC Championship game.  For those of you who have not yet heard, Auburn trounced South Carolina.  It was not pretty.  It's not how I wanted to end out the regular season, but I'm trying to stay focused on all the positive accomplishments made by the Gamecocks this year.

Beating Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Alabama, and Clemson.  Making it to Atlanta for the first time.  I'm sure they'll be back, and the next time hopefully they'll perform better.

Actually, South Carolina be returning to the Georgia Dome a little sooner than expected.  That's right, they've been invited to play in the Chick-fil-a Bowl on NYE.  Certainly not the Sugar Bowl, but I'm all for Chick-fil-a...

Last night was the next to the last episode of "Dexter".  In short, Lumen managed to get herself snatched by Angelina Jolie's ex, and Dexter was snatched by the naughty cop Quinn had stalking Dexter.  In the end, Dexter ended up disposing of the creep.  Quinn will be next if he doesn't watch out.

Next week should be excellent.  I'm not sure if Lumen will survive, but the previews made it look like Deb catches Dexter in the act of offing someone.  What a teaser!

I'm very disappointed that "The Walking Dead" is over for at least 6-9 months.  Last night's episode wasn't too eventful, unless you consider the CDC self-destructing eventful.  Damn computers.  Just because the emergency generators are running out of fuel is no reason to destroy an entirely good building.  The head doctor and one of the original ladies from the camp remained behind.  The rest of the group escaped just in time. On a related note, not that I'm an uber-genius, but you would think that someplace as advanced as the CDC would have invested in solar energy and not be reliant on tanks of fuel in the basement.

I'm not sure where they're headed now.  Maybe they can make it to Hartsfield-Jackson International, grab a plane, and make it to Paris.  That's apparently where the really smart scientists were making progress towards a cure.  Could be worse places to end up.  Very fashion-forward zombies there, I'm sure.

Band Aid

No Christmas season would complete without listening to my favorite holiday song about 1000 times.

Back in the 80's, I was obsessed with England.  Some things never change, right?  The song "Do They Know It's Christmas" did plenty to fuel my obsession, and the song still withstands the test of time.  And I hate to go Benedict Arnold against my own country, but it's way better than "We Are the World"!

How many cool Brits could they cram into one video?  I really wanted to hang out with Duran Duran.  Perhaps be their little mascot or similar.

And check out Bono.  He looks like an unfortunate trailer park wife.  Bless his heart.

Happy 100th!

Happy 100th post!  I never knew I had it in me.

It's Saturday, and you know what that means---SEC Championship this afternoon.  The South Carolina Gamecocks take on Scam Newton and Auburn in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta.  Go Cocks!

It's still freezing here.  I'm not sure I'm going to make it two weeks until Miami and the cruise.

I had an unusual Friday night dining experience last night.  I wanted to go to places which I rarely frequent, just to give Long Point Grille a break.  So I went to Sodawater Grill.  Closed.  Meaning closed for business, not just for the evening.  Shocker.  So then I tried Benito's Brick Oven Pizzeria in Towne Centre.  Empty.

It was madness.  I was afraid to go anywhere else for fear of jinxing any more of my favorite places.  In the end, I went to La Hacienda, where business was booming.  Viva Mexico!

Video of the Day

It's not officially winter, but I figured it was cold enough to rock out to this video.

How couldn't you love The Bangles?  Susanna Hoffs was one of the hottest bad-ass chicks to come out of the 80's.  And this was WAY better than that dumb Egyptian song...

Brrr...

There must be a whole herd of torros in the atmosphere, because it's suddenly FREEZING!  I know, we're spoiled here in Charleston, and most of the country is already feeling the chill of winter.  But this is just a drastic change, especially since it was 81 degrees last week on Thanksgiving.

Time to break out the sweatshirts...

December is Here

December is finally here.  Right on!  That much closer to the cruise.

Here's a festive picture of my sister and me taken last Christmas.  I really have no idea why I was so obsessed with wearing a Santa cap.  I was probably having a bad hair day.

It's Hump Day, but I'm afraid I've run out of Hump-related songs.  Instead, I'll share my wacky dream from last night.

In this dream, I was riding in an airplane.  We had just taken off.  I was seated near the front of the plane, but there was no cockpit, so I could see clearly out the front.  Just past the end of the runway, there was a dense forest full of pine trees.  As we were accelerating and just lifting off, I noticed that we weren't getting the proper amount of lift, and I knew that we wouldn't clear the top of the approaching trees.

We were going to crash, so I ran to the back of the plane, thinking that it would be a little less traumatic to not be the first thing to come into contact with one of the trees.

Fortunately, that part of the dream fast-forwarded and I found myself in the middle of nowhere, in a town that was completely unfamiliar with me.  Total hickville, but with a Midwestern feel.  For some reason, I was working as a taxi driver.  I was completely lost, but I had a GPS in my car, so it was OK.  Mike Rowe from "Dirt Jobs" and Daniel Tosh were two of my fellow drivers.

I stopped at a flea market to pick up a fare.  Suddenly, chaos broke loose, and people were screaming that a tornado was approaching.  Before I could react, everything was being swept away, including me.  I know, it's very "Wizard of Oz".

When I finally landed, I had been taken back in time to an ancient Mayan civilization.  I was placed smack dab on top of a pyramid, where a high priest was trying to sacrifice me.  Of course I managed to escape.  I ran and ran, until I finally found refuge in a little mud hut occupied by a friendly Mayan family.

They were preparing for a traditional family wedding and said I could help them get ready for the festivities in exchange for safe refuge.  I thought this was fair, until I found out that my task would be helping to hand-roll candles out of beeswax.  Apparently this was the party favor for each of the guests.  And there were over 600 invited!

The most amazing part of that dream is that I somehow knew how to speak the ancient Mayan language with a high degree of proficiency.

The next thing I remember, I was back in an airplane and preparing to land in Atlanta.

I know what you're thinking.  My dreams make absolutely no sense, but that is how my brain works.  Perhaps that explains why I wake up every morning exhausted.

Rainy Tuesday

I hope no one is overly tired on this Tuesday evening because I'm about to put you to sleep.

I have absolutely nothing of interest to report.  No witty observations regarding the world, real or televised.

I fell asleep so early last night after chatting with Tonya, I completely missed my Housewife repeat.  I feel so out of touch with NeNe.  And I had to hear second-hand that Kim Is preggers with one of the Atlanta Falcon football player's bastard child.  Bless her heart.

Today was another trying day at work.  It was pretty dreary.  I think cold weather is on the way, so bye bye 70 degree days.  I think winter may finally set in.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Hump Day.  If I can only make it past my tortuous mid-morning conference call...

Dexter

I'm already getting depressed that the season finale of "Dexter" is quickly approaching.  It just keeps getting better and better.

In all of my years of watching this show, this is the first time that I'm really seeing Dexter as a human being.  Still a serial killer, but still human.  Even his courtship and marriage to Rita didn't come close to what's currently going on between him and Lumen.  The schoolboy look on his face every time he's around her is priceless.

So the dynamic duo finally tracked down the remaining bad guy last night and Lumen did the deed by offing him.  Apparently that was a big turn-on for both of them, because they ended up sleeping together.  Different strokes for different folks, as numerous relatives of mine would say.  Now they only have Jordan Chase to take care of.

Nancy Drew, I mean Deb, is piecing together that a former victim turned-vigilante is now offing the victims.  I'm very interested to see how Dexter and Lumen avoid being discovered.  My instinct tells me that Lumen can't stay around for long though.  And I'm really starting to like her.

My favorite serial killer show was followed by another excellent episode of my favorite new zombie show.  Next week is the finale, so I'll have to do without at least until next summer.

The latest episode dealt with the bloodbath aftermath and the group leaving camp.  One of the guys was bitten by a zombie, so they're taking him to the CDC.  Seems like a logical move since they're in Atlanta.  Unfortunately, he wasn't taking the ride very well, so he requested to be dumped off along the road.

When they finally reached the CDC, it appeared that there was a lone survivor holed up inside.  The ending saw him opening up the doors to let the group in just in time to avoid zombie attack.  Nice move.

So that's it as far a TV goes.  Just another manic Monday.  I'm still working technically, but just thought I'd take a break to update my blog and count down the days until the cruise.  Because I'm dedicated like that.

Palmetto State Champions

Another great weekend for Gamecock football!!!  South Carolina easily handled Clemson last night 29-7.  It was a great performance going into Saturday's SEC Championship game against Auburn.

In other weekend sports news:

• All I can say about Auburn is that I hope their luck has run out.  What a game against Alabama.  Hopefully the Gamecocks can do a better job of containing Scam Newton this time.
• Glad to finally be able to say "Told ya so" re: Boise State.
• 10 bowl eligible SEC teams once again.  Who says they are not the premiere conference in college sports?  That's right, no one.
• Roger Federer just defeated Rafael Nadal for the year-end tennis championship in London.  Boo.  Oh well, Rafa has had a great year.  Here's hoping he can continue his Grand Slam success going into Melbourne at the Australian Open.  Which, by the way, Serena just withdrew from.  Who's going to step up and rescue the women's game?

Holiday Miracle

Omigosh.

With all the hoopla surrounding the new baby, I almost forgot about one of the most exciting events to occur during Thanksgiving with the parents.

Wait for it...

My Dad openly admitted his INTENSE dislike of Sarah Palin.  (But stated a little less eloquently.)

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I immediately thanked the Baby Jesus for the early Christmas miracle.  Maybe I hadn't been switched at birth after all, as I've always strongly suspected.

I probably shouldn't have been so surprised with this revelation though.  In general, my Dad's dislike of the majority of humans is greater than mine.  I know what you're thinking, that's saying a lot, but it's true.  Ask anyone.

Video of the Day

It's seems that 3 am is the witching hour for me lately.  Between Baby Jay-Z and daily work stress, night after night, I tend to wake up right about this time.

Last night in my sleep-deprived stupor while feeding the baby, I was reminded of a much simpler time when 3 am had a more fun-filled meaning.  3 am eternal to be exact.

Those of you still around from the 90's will be familiar with the club phenom known as The KLF.  And those who frequented the Matrix in Columbia would have witnessed me rocking that mother out to their various tunes of the time.  Yes, that was me dancing on the speakers with Allison, Les, Laura, Tonya, and Eric.  Dressed to kill in unfortunate ensembles such as white biker shorts paired with Orange OP booty shorts.

Picking one KLF song is more difficult than Sophie's Choice, so I've chosen 3 for your listening pleasure.

"3 AM Eternal" got me started on this tangent.  "Last Train to Trancentral" was my favorite ass-shaking groove.  And finally, who didn't love "Justified and Ancient" with Tammy Wynette?   Enjoy...

10 Things Everyone Should Know About Clemson

In anticipation of tomorrow night's annual rivalry game between the Awesome South Carolina Gamecocks and the douchebag Clemson tigers, it's time to talk some trash.  The game will be televised on ESPN2 with kick-off at 7 pm Eastern time.

These are things the whole world should know about Clemson:

1. They suck.  In too many ways and for too many reasons to fully document on this blog.  Just trust me.
2. They wear ugly colors - orange and purple.  Who the hell came up with that?  A 5 year-old obsessed with Popsicles?
3. Their coach has a dumb name (Dabo), as well as a certain inbred look.
4. Their fans are stupid and illiterate.
5. They are located near Greenville.  Gross.
6. Tiger for a mascot?  Play in Death Valley?  "Tiger Rag" for a fight song?  Sounds like somebody gave up on originality and ripped off LSU.
7. They play in a weak and dumb conference.  The ACC.
8. The name Clemson is just stupid.
9. IPTAY = I Plant Taters All Year.  Who other than a bunch of hick farmers would display a bumper sticker like that on their vehicle?  Save it for the tractor.
10. There are high schools with higher academic standards.

I'm happy I could educate everyone regarding this matter.  I hope it helps.

Go Cocks!

Gobble Gobble

It's Turkey Lurkey time...

Happy Thanksgiving!  I just returned home from a very eventful visit to Columbia.

Little Jay-Z babysat me last night.  We had an awesome time!  She's quite a little character - cute as a little bug and definitely knows how to get what she wants.  She's constantly making noise and squirming, which may be a bad omen for the future, but for now it's pretty darned entertaining.  Which is good, because she doesn't really know any other tricks yet.

Unfortunately, the little vixen woke me up at 3:30 am babbling about something.  I changed a diaper (a #1 thankfully), but I never really got back to sleep after that.

We started out this morning by watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  That didn't interest her very much, so we switched to "Keeping Up With the Kardashians".  Score!!!  I already have her hooked on reality TV.
Babies are really needy.  I guess I always discounted the horror stories from new parents.  But damn, all that holding, feeding, burping, changing, etc.  My ass is TIRED!

Aside from the baby, everyone else had a nice visit.  We all ate way too much food.  Little Jay-Z's papa, my bro-in-law Big Jay-Z had about 100 bananas.  Long story.  But it was a good excuse for me to make banana pudding.

But enough about that...PICTURES!

Jaylee getting ready to rock her Thanksgiving couture...

This baby has the longest fingers and toes.  She reminds me of a little spider monkey.

Just woke up and ready for some food.

Isn't her little turkey hat ghetto-fabulous?

On Holiday

I am officially on holiday!  Yay!  I just finished with my last call for the day and am wrapping up.

Hopefully I can get on the road soon the make the short drive to Columbia before traffic gets heavy.  I think my little sister has had a change of heart and little Jay-Z may be baby-sitting me for the night.  I'm so excited.

Happy holidays to everyone.  I'll be back tomorrow, stuffed like a turkey, and with plenty of entertaining stories from the sticks.

Insomnia

This may be my briefest posting ever.  Depending on your level of interest in my life or opinions, that may or may not be a good thing.

I'm so exhausted.  I went to bed around 10 pm last night without engaging in any quality television viewing.  My reward was awakening at 3 am and not being able to go back to sleep.  That is the most miserable feeling in the world, watching the clock slowly tick towards 6 am, knowing that there's a full day of work drama ahead.  Dead man walking.

It was a long one, but the day finally passed.  I'm now doing some laundry, trying my best to stay awake until an acceptable hour.  I'm still trying to decide if I want to leave tomorrow evening to spend with the family, or get up early to make the trip Thursday morning.  It's only an hour and a half trip, but I really don't fancy sitting on the interstate with the rest of the holiday travelers.

I guess we'll just see how my mood is tomorrow afternoon.

In other news, it looks like Prince William and Kate will have to live without my presence in their country during their wedding.  I just cannot see making an April trip to London.  But once again, we'll see how my mood is at a later date...

Sunday Viewing

Despite the fact that Sunday evenings are depressing in that they are the final day of the weekend, they have become by far the best night of the week for TV viewing.

New Jersey salon workers, serial killers, and zombies.  I don't know which are scariest.

I watched "Jerseylicious" for the first time in weeks.  I was not disappointed by the sheer ridiculousness of their misadventures.  The highlight of the episode surrounded Olivia finally realizing her dream of getting a boob job, and then freaking out right before the surgery.  Chicken.  Cutlets.

"Dexter" was pretty ho-hum for the majority of the episode.  That little brat Astor was back and stirring up trouble.  The Hallmark moment of the night came when Dexter professed fatherly love for the wayward pre-teen and they both made nice.  I was getting seriously upset that no one had been slaughtered.  Luckily, the episode ended with Angelina Jolie's ex-husband (Jordan Chase on the show) calling the old house.  Lumen answered, Jordan left a tell-tale "your life is ticking away" message, and then gave away that he knew who she was.  Apparently, Dexter wasn't sneaky enough when he stole a blood sample from the necklace inside Jordan's gym locker.

I realize how crazy my brief recaps must sound to anyone unfamiliar with the show.  All the better reason to tune in, people!

"The Walking Dead" was awesome as usual.  The group made it back to Atlanta, got their guns, but then got into a serious rumble with another group of survivors.  We later found out that the new group was not a random street gang, but survivors and workers from a retirement home.  Sweet --- the old people lived!!!

Unfortunately, while all of that was happening in the city, the zombies were secretly approaching the other country camp.  The episode ended with flesh-eating mayhem.  Rick and the group arrived back just in time to get in on the action and shoot all of the zombies.  Alas, it was too little, too late, and some of our favorite characters (whose names I had not even had a chance to learn) were eaten.

Two more episodes left, and then it's wait until fall for Season 2.

On the bright side, I just saw that "Nurse Jackie" is filming, so at least there will be a suitable replacement.  It's like the circle of life, TV program style...

Aside from TV, it was a pretty shitty Monday at work.  I hope everyone else had a better day.

Harry Potter

I was fully prepared to write a scathing review of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1", but believe it or not, even I am wrong sometimes.

This movie kicks ass!  I was originally only seeing it out of a sense of obligation.  Afterall, it would be stupid to watch half a dozen films worth of foreplay and then suddenly tune out for the moneyshot.  I'd also grown tired of feeling like I was betraying my age and seeing a kiddie film with multi-millionaire child actors.

But for the first time, this actually almost had the look and feel of an adult film.  Even the central trio are coming into their own acting-wise.  I honestly had not expected to say that, but critique be damned.

I won't spoil the plot or major events, although I seem to be the only person in the world who has not read the books.  I will just say that there is one event near the end that left me devastated and near tears, and even angrier for feeling so.  Helena Bonham Carter, you Palin-esque bitch, you really have it coming!  And that's all I'm saying.

In other news, it's a lovely Charleston Sunday, 72 degrees and sunny.  I'm not very happy about Monday coming around so quickly, but the short holiday week will hopefully make things bearable.  I feel bad for my readers in other parts of the world who are not able to celebrate Thanksgiving.  I understand that Pilgrims are not a global concept, but being thankful for friends, family, and food should be.  Start celebrating today!

Saturday

My efforts to sleep late on a Saturday were derailed this morning when I awoke at 5 am and could not get back to sleep.  Perhaps my body was revolting against being in my own bed.  Maybe it was my almost 40 year-old bladder betraying me.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty pissed off. 

The lack of quality television at that hour (infomercials galore) is shocking, but I had a blast from the past when I discovered "Addams Family Values" on HBO.  Christina Ricci and her Native American revolt against the Pilgrims at summer camp is still hilarious after all these years.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful.  There weren't really any interesting football games scheduled.  The Gamecocks beat Troy by a pretty big margin, 69-24, but that outcome wasn't a huge surprise.  I'm just glad they didn't derail themselves in looking ahead to the Clemson game next weekend.  I can't wait for that one.

I just returned from my weekly meal at Long Point Grill.  I really should make that my last meal before Thanksgiving, or I will be mistaken for a Butterball turkey  At least I changed things up a big this week and had the Mac and Cheese.

I think I might go and see the latest Harry Potter flick tomorrow.  I'm really a bit over that series, but feel obligated since I've invested so much time in those films up to this point.  Then again, opening weekend might not be the wisest time.  I'd hate to be the oldest person in the theatre.  Arg.

I haven't bitched about Sarah Palin lately.  Still can't stand the slag, just in case anyone was wondering.

Home Sweet Home

Home at last!

It was a great ending to the week.  I visited the South Charlotte office and caught up with quite a few work buddies.  We had an excellent pre-Thanksgiving feast.  I ate entirely too much, but felt obligated to try a little bit of everything.  It was the polite thing to do.

Fortunately, I was able to leave the office around 2:30 pm, before the post-meal fatigue set in.  3.5 hours and a tank of gas later, and I arrived back home.  Jasper and Fletcher were very excited to see their Daddy.

It's 7:43 pm.  I've gone through all of my mail, which is my favorite post-trip activity, and I'm now trying to resist the urge to crawl into bed.  I want to get a jump start on a nice 10 hour sleep in my
OWN bed.  I deserve it.  I doubt I'll even leave home tomorrow.  Just a nice relaxing day of watching football on the couch.  This weekend has the added bonus of knowing that I only have 3 workdays next week until the holiday!  Holidays RULE!

One more day...

...until I get to go home!

It's been such a long week.  I've already ironed clothes for tomorrow, packed, and ordered room service.  I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm ready to get the hell out of town.  Nothing much left to do except get a good night's rest.

We're having Turkey Day in the office tomorrow.  I've always been taught that it's not polite to eat and run, but I fully intend on doing just that so that I can get home at a decent hour.  I plan on not being naughty and adhering to my diet, otherwise it will be a miserable 4 hour drive home.

Hmmm, not much on TV tonight.  Not sure how I'm going to entertain myself for 3 more hours.  I should go downstairs and workout, but I'm not feeling that motivated.

Video of the Day

My obsession with Hump Day continues...

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Royal Excitement

Greetings from the Queen City!  The picture above is the view from my hotel room.  I seem to get Room 415 each time I visit; I'm beginning to feel like they should name it the Kevin Suite.  Anywho, as you can probably see from the picture, it's a bit dreary and damp here.  I was in the office from 8 am to 6 pm today, so it's not like the weather has hampered any afterwork activities.

Speaking of Queens, royalty, and such, I was very excited to hear the official announcement of the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Although the exact date is yet to be announced, I fully intend to travel to London for the event.  If they could please consider scheduling the nuptials sometime during Wimbledon, that would be super.  Thanks in advance for your consideration, Prince William and Kate.

I know it probably seems a bit bizarre that I would want to travel overseas just to stand on the side of the road with a bunch of strangers to watch a royal carriage pass by, but I've always been a bit obsessed with the British royal family.  Growing up in South Carolina, the very idea of royalty was the most foreign concept, and truly the stuff of imagination and fairytales.

When I was in second grade, I was captivated by the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana.  I attended daycare at the time, and my little friends and I celebrated the nuptials by staging our very own recreation of the event.  Of course I was Prince Charles, and my childhood girlfriend, Becky Jones, was Princess Diana.

The bride stole a blanket from the nursery to substitute for a veil.  I very clearly recall wearing navy blue shorts, which I thought a smart choice since it resembled a more casual version of the groom's royal uniform.  My attire was completed by placing a croquet mallet through a belt loop.  Back in the day, that was the closest thing to a sabre I could find.

Fortunately, that was the closest I've ever come to getting hitched.  Although this is South Carolina, I'm fairly certain that the marriage isn't official.  I hope that's the case, as my child bride has since married another and I'd hate to be part of a polygamist relationship.  Then again, I might potentially be eligible for a spin-off of "Sister Wives" and finally realize my dream of having my very own reality show.

Monday in N.C.

Greetings from Charlotte, the Queen City of the South, where I will be spending the next 5 days of my life.  I got an early start this morning, so I arrived in the office a little after noon. 

En route, I had the pleasure of dining at the Chick-fil-a in Rock Hill, South Carolina.  The manager was going on and on about Saturday's South Carolina-Florida game, and how we should have a really good chance of beating Auburn if we can just manage to inflict a slight concussion on their quarterback.  Classy!  I'd hate to see what he does to fussy customers.

I'm in my hotel room now.  I just finished the ironing, and am trying to stay awake for a few more hours before crashing.  Of course I'm ass-tired because there was entirely too much quality television on last night.

"Dexter" is becoming quite juicy.  Cole was the latest victim of Dexter and Lumen's twisted vengeance.  I honestly thought the two of them were going to have sex after plunging a knife into the fella.  Which would have been gross.  But there if definitely mounting chemistry between the two.  Will the writers allow Dexter to find true happiness or companionship?  I doubt it, but it certainly takes away from the whole Trinity-just-slaughtered-my-wife pity party.

The aftermath of last week's club shooting resulting in Debra being thrown under the bus by LaGuerta.  Batista is saying he will back Deb and help set the record straight, going against his wife.  That probably will not go over very well at home, but the bitch has it coming.  Gauntlets have been thrown.

My newest favorite show, "The Walking Dead", did not disappoint either.  The group from downtown Atlanta safely made it back to the other camp.  Whew!  I was worried.

Deputy Rick was reunited with his cheating wife and their son, who were part of the Stone Mountain survivor group.  What a coincidence it all turned out to be, but I'm letting that slide.  Unfortunately the reunion was short-lived, because Rick decided that the drug-addicted racist they left handcuffed to the top of a building needed to be rescued.  Screw that.   They also wanted to get the firearm stash Rick dropped when zombies attacked his horse back in Episode 1, so I suppose the return trip really was warranted.

It know, it all sounds so ridiculous, but it plays out better on the small screen.  My narrative does not do it justice.  This really is the best show on TV, and the thought of only 3 more new episodes is already depressing me.

I should go back to watching trashy housewives on Bravo.  I don't get nearly as emotionally attached to them.  Sorry, NeNe.

I hope Sarah Palin's reality show, which premiered last night on TLC, was a flopp.  I'm encouraged by the news that 52 percent of Americans have an unfavorable opinion of her according to a recent Gallup poll.  There is hope afterall.

The Chicken Curse is Dead

Even better than winning the East is this breaking news...

Morris: It’s official - ‘The Chicken Curse’ is dead

An SEC title within reach for Gamecocks | The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment

What a great night! The Cocks pulled off a spectacular performance against the Gators. After years of waiting, we're finally going to Atlanta. Add this to the growing list of firsts this year--beating Kentucky in basketball, winning the CWS in baseball, and beating then #1 ranked Alabama. Now we just have to beat Troy and put Clemson in their place before the big re-match with Auburn.

An SEC title within reach for Gamecocks The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment

Go Cocks!

What a beautiful Saturday!

I had to wake up entirely too early to get to the Honda dealership for my 8 am appointment.  Somehow I was able to make it on time.  Unfortunately, I was there for almost an hour and a half.  I feel like I've spent major portions of my last two weekends getting that car serviced.  As a result, I stopped by the VW dealership on the way home.  The new Jetta SportWagens are so cute!  My car is only a year old, but I'm so tempted to trade.  I miss the reliability of German engineering.

After leaving the dealership, I stopped by Petco.  It was doggy adoption day.  I should have turned around, because it was quite upsetting.  The puppies are cute, but I really feel horrible for the older dogs who probably will not find homes.  I wish I had acreage in the country so that I could rescue all of them.  Instead, I just stopped at each cage, let them lick my fingers, and scratched their heads.  I hope that provided a little bit of love.

By the time I finally returned home, Jasper and Fletcher were feeling abandoned.  Somehow, they know when it's the weekend and time for their morning ride to Starbucks.  That came a little late today.  Fletcher was pretty PISSED that he did not get his usual treat from the drive through employee.

All of this pre-noon activity rendered me exhausted, and I spent most of the afternoon napping.  Boone Hall plantation was having a Civil War re-enactment across the street, so the occasional sound of canonfire kept waking me up.

I'm just now watching my first football game of the day.  South Carolina is playing Florida.  Go Cocks!  Keep your fingers crossed.

I almost forgot--nancyboy Roger Federer was beaten in the Paris Masters tournament today.  Yay!  Congrats, Monfils.  It's about time you whipped up on the Fed.

Another week down...

Hell's Bells.  I made it through another work week.  A few more grey hairs, but no major injuries.  I plan to totally relax this weekend--it's off to Charlotte Monday morning for an entire week of banking fun.  It will be my longest business trip in quite a while.

Unfortunately, I have to get myself going pretty early tomorrow morning for Round 2 of car service.  Damned Honda.  But after that, it's back home for a nice relaxing day of football.

The South Carolina-Florida game is getting a lot of attention locally.  You'd think they were playing for the national championship instead of a spot in the SEC Championship game.   I'm keeping my mouth shut for fear of jinxing the Gamecocks. Can't lick out cocks.

I just read that Imperial Queen Bitch of the Universe Sarah Palin is planning a visit to Columbia to promote her upcoming book.  Is it possible for me to get a restraining order that prevents her from coming within a 150 mile radius of me or my home?

Her little no-talent tramp daughter, Bristol, is reportedly still in the running on "Dancing With the Stars".  Not that I watch or anything, but always looking for a good opportunity to dog the Palins.

It's only 7:13, but I've already had my weekly dose of Long Point Grill.   I could go to sleep right now...but won't.

Happy Veterans Day

While I might not always completely agree with the politics or cause, I'm thankful for the sacrifice of those who serve.  At least we can all be united in that.  Happy Veterans Day!

In less serious business (my specialty), it's Friday Eve and I couldn't be more excited---unless it were Christmas of course.  As usual my mind is focused on food, and on beginning the weekend with a good binge.  Decision, decisions.  Fire up the fryer, Sally and Danielle!

So for my thoughts of the day:

• I'm happy to hear about the cruise passengers finally making it safely back to shore.  As recounted in my last post, been there, done that, so I've enjoyed commiserating with some of the stories.  At the same time, I just keep thinking that, at the end of the day, everyone should be thankful that no one was harmed.  I mean honestly, there have been maritime disasters in which the victims would have gladly traded air-conditioning in exchange for spared lives.  Perspective. Don't make me post Celine Dion as my Video of the Day
• I watched the second episode of "The Walking Dead" last night.  I cannot stress enough how EXCELLENT this show is.  There are only 6 episodes in the season, but I hear they've already renewed it for a second.  What does it say about me that my current favorite shows are about zombies and serial killers (Dexter).  I'm normal, honest.  They're just so unexpectedly gripping. 
• 7 hours of conference calls today.  Approaching a record.
• Today I had a talk with a friend who has found a lot of happiness recently.  Which makes even a grinch like me smile inside.  Sometimes it just makes you feel so good to share and be a part of the joy others are experiencing.  I guess that's what friendship is about.  Ugh, I sound like a greeting card.

On that note, I'll sign off before I ruin my snarky image.

Video of the Day

Pronounced with an Umpty...

In honor of Hump Day, I fully encourage everyone to celebrate by perfomring the Humpty Dance.

And FYI, I worked at Hardee's in high school, but I never got busy in the bathroom.  That's just gross.

Hump Day

Greetings from the friendliest city in the universe!  Or something like that.

And Happy Wednesday!  As expected, it was pretty grueling, but there's still the satisfaction of knowing that it's all downhill from here.

Things could definitely be worse---I could be stuck on a cruiseship floating in the middle of the ocean without air conditioning.  Oh wait, been there done that, on the Norwegian Majesty a few Christmases ago.  Luckily, that leaky old tugboat lost power just off the coast of Ft. Lauderdale on the return trip back to Charleston, so the overall vacation was spared.

The folks on the Carnival ship currently drifting off the coast of Baja California aren't so lucky.  Their ship lost power just a couple of days into their cruise, and unlike my trip, they are unable to return to port on under their own power.  The conditions cannot be spectacular, but honestly, I'm thinking I might not mind sleeping out on deck about now.  As for the lack of hot food, binge-eating on cruises is not healthy anyway, so the fat-ass rednecks could probably do with skipping a meal or two.  (I speak from experience).

From what I hear, Carnival is handling the situation spectacularly.  Full refunds and a free future cruise.  All Norwegian offered was 20 percent off of a future cruise.  As if, bastards.  Boycotted them ever since.

In other random news, George W. Bush and Kanye West made up on the "Today" show this morning.  Who cares!!!  W. is becoming about as unwelcome as a coldsore (or Sarah Palin).  Go away already!!!  I had to listen to you for 8 years.  Sorry to alienate by Republican audience so soon after my post-election Sarah Palin tirade, but I've never been one to self-censor for approval.  Will compromise and continue avoiding the c-word.

Magazine names Charleston friendliest US city | The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment

This is pretty exciting...now everyone has an excuse to visit Charleston. As if seeing me is not enough incentive!

Magazine names Charleston friendliest US city The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment

W.

Has everyone gone out and bought George W. Bush's book that was released today?

I didn't think so.

Unfortunately, that's been the most exciting thing going on this Tuesday.  Why are Tuesdays so dreadful lately?  On one hand, they have a little less of the dread offered by Monday.  But then they have none of the mental benefits of knowing that it is Hump Day, or the winding down of the week.

Tuesday just lacks character.

Big conference call with the groups from Mexico, Colombia, Chile, and Brazil tomorrow.  I still think work should ante up the money to send me down there for a few weeks.  That would surely beat some of the business trips I've been sent out on.  Cities to remain nameless to protect the less fortunate.

Congrats to an anonymous (for now) friend who just took a huge professional leap today.  You heard it here first.

I'm sorry for such a boring post today---I aspire to be more interesting tomorrow.  Maybe I'll have some cracked-out dreams tonight.  Until then, have a good night...

Sunday Slug

My entire Sunday afternoon was spent in a catatonic state on the couch watching TV.  From afternoon until bedtime.  I'm too embarrassed actually count the hours and say aloud.

I finally got around to watching the premiere episode of "The Walking Dead".  I actually thought it was quite good.  A bit slow at times, but necessary for background and buildup.  The scene where the deputy guy was in downtown Atlanta and trying to escape the zombies by crawling under a tank was the only thing that got me on my feet all afternoon.  Maybe by next weekend I will learn the character names.

I'm not sure if I'll continue watching this show as it's on AMC.  Luckily that's offered on Comcast On Demand, so there may be hope.

I've abandoned "Jerseylicious" for the past few weeks, but caught the episode where Alexa the Tit Fairy takes Olivia, Tracey, and Gigi to Houston for a Glam Fairy wedding.  Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous.  And it is.  But I still recommend watching this.  If only for the fact that there are grown women who go through life selling their services as "Glam Fairies".  I'm sure they'd be selling something no matter what.

Last night's episode of "Dexter" was excellent as always.  The latest revelation was that Angelina Jolie's first husband, playing the motivational speaker worshipped by the now-deceased Boyd, was part of the gang that tormented Lumen.  As it turns out, all of the bad guys were high school friends.

That's just weird.  I thought I grew up surrounded by strangeness, but my friends and I ran cross country and took Advanced Placement classes.  There was no kidnapping of blondes and placing them in barrels.  I guess I had a more normal childhood than I previously suspected.

There was more Santa Muerta drama, as the sting to catch the two brothers in da club resulted in a big shootout.  Deb popped a cap right in machete guy's head, so all was not lost.  LaGuerta is going to be in some hot water though.  Is my hood-speak convincing?

I still haven't figured out what's going to happen with her (LaGuerta), or creepy Irish nanny for that matter.  Creepy Irish nanny is leaving religious idols around the house to watch over Harrison.  Poor lady has no idea, that baby does not have genetics on his side, so it's going to take a lot more than that to keep him on the holy straight and narrow.

Thanks to the time change, I'm still a bit off-schedule, so I was unable to stay up for the Housewives at 10 pm.  It's just as well, I lost entirely too many braincells to television yesterday.  I'm sure I'll have dozens of opportunities to catch up as Bravo is notorious for repeat episodes.  Andy?

Peace out, homies.

Daylight Saving Time Ends...

I'm happy to report that I had a very restful sleep last night and do not have any disturbing dreams to share.  I attribute this to the extra hour gained from the end of Daylight Saving Time.  What a wonderful gift concocted by our forefathers.  Too bad that extra hour will be spent trying to remember how to reset the clocks in my kitchen, car, living room, etc.  Maybe I will just leave them until spring and perform the mathematical conversion in my head.

Wacky dreams aside, I did run across the following disturbing headline in the Post and Courier yesterday:

Palin gets high approval rating - The overwhelming majority of South Carolina Republicans approve of Sarah Palin, and to a lesser degree Mitt Romney.

WTF?  Does everyone understand why I have a love/hate relationship with my state?  What if this starts to spread across the country, in the manner of a sweeping influenza pandemic?  Honestly, I think I might have to leave.  Does this qualify as a good reason to seek political asylum?  If anyone knows if their country will accept me as a refugee, please email me.  I would like to make my plans well in advance of 2012.

In other South Carolina news, the Gamecocks really stunk it up versus Arkansas last night.  The joke is on the Razorbacks though, as they still have to go back and live in Arkansas.  Where I'm sure Sarah Palin is even more popular.

Overall, I'm very disappointed with how the football season is winding down for my team.  The SEC East is coming down to next weekend's showdown with Florida.  And honestly, things are looking good for the Gators.  I'll refrain from any further discussion so as not to jinx South Carolina.  Damned Chicken Curse.

To make matters worse, Clemson came back and beat North Carolina State.

So no more football for another week.  I do have "Dexter" to look forward to tonight, along with "The Real Housewives of Atlanta", which is moving from Monday night.  I can hardly contain my excitement.

That's about the only thing to be excited about---I'm not feeling very upbeat about the upcoming work week.  Can last week's chaos and never-ending stream of conference calls continue?  Can I make it 5 days until my Friday evening meal at Long Point Grill?  Stay tuned...

Samantha Fox

Yippee.  Another Saturday...

For the second night in a row, I had the type of dreams that make me suspect my dinner had been tainted with mind-altering substances.  Luckily, last night's episode was a little less terrifying, unless you find big 80's hair frightening.

In short, I was going to a concert, the type where legends of the past try to recapture their youth by performing their hits from previous decades.  My "legend" was Samantha Fox.

For all the young whippersnappers out there who may be unfamiliar with Ms. Fox, I'll provide a little background.  Samantha Fox was a British import who soared to popularity in the mid-1980's.  Long before the paparazzi captured Britney and Paris flashing their beavers, Samantha Fox was proudly displaying her ginormous jugs as a Page 3 girl in England.  Somehow this led to a singing career, and the rest is history.  It seems rather tame now, but at the time she was a bit scandalous.

Her first huge single was "Touch Me", and was followed by quality hits like "Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)".  The songs, her singing, and outfits were all a bit suspect, but the accompanying music videos were nothing short of soft-core porn for young adolescent boys.  I know what you're thinking, but I'm speaking of an era long before the Internet.

Getting back to my dream, Samantha Fox was performing her hit "Touch Me".  She was quite good, still looked, um, foxy (no pun intended), but had traded in her tarty bare-ass-ripped-jeans for a more conservative Alexis Carrington business suit.  She never really stayed on-stage, but instead mingled throughout the audience while performing.

She of course stopped with me and chatted me up a bit.  Luckily, I'm prepared even in my dreams, and I was able to produce a black Sharpie so that she could sign the Samantha Fox t-shirt I had purchased.  I also happened to be wearing a horizontal striped Polo shirt (which would never happen in reality).  I thought it would be perfect for her to sign in the white stripe, but she protested, saying (in a very sexy accent) that she could not deface Polo .

After the show, I got to go backstage, where I sat on a couch and had a long and meaningful conversation with Naomi Judd.

So below is the video that started it all.  Check out that hair...



In other Saturday news, I just returned from getting my car serviced.  I had my oil changed, tires aligned, and also discovered that my washer fluid pump needs replacing.  I cannot live without that, but the part is on order.  At least I know where I'll be next Saturday morning.

The whole trip took entirely too long, but the wait did give me the opportunity to run over to the neighboring McDonald's.  I've been looking for an excuse and opportunity to indulge in that BBQ-sauce-soaked mystery meat known as a McRib.

Can I hear a big McFuckYeah?!?!

Now I'm home and watching football.  Clemson is losing.  Good times.

Mr. Sandman...

...bring me an Ambien...

Happy Friday!

Is it just me, or was this week particularly exhausting?

I woke up 3 am from a horrible nightmare.  I was walking in a park in some unknown, strange town.  All of a sudden, residents were running down the street, screaming for everyone to run.  They were being chased by killer German Shepherds.  One of the killer dogs would catch a slow, fat person and begin feasting.  It was much more fast-paced than the zombie chases I've been watching recently, which made it all the more terrifying.

There was one headed my way, so I had to haul ass to the nearest pine tree.  It really pissed me off that there was not a tree with lower branches, so my climbing style was in the manner of a South Pacific islander climbing a coconut tree.  But less graceful.

The last few terrifying seconds were in slow motion, with me wondering if I had climbed high enough and out of reach of the approaching killer German Shepherd.

I couldn't go back to sleep after that, and the day has gone downhill ever since.

Society be damned, my tired ass will be in bed before 8 pm at this rate.  Tomorrow will be a busy day anyway, as I'm taking my car in for servicing and then parking myself on the sofa to watch football.

Good luck South Carolina versus Arkansas!  7 pm on ESPN.

Video of the Day

For those of you who might think my mad rapping skills are limited to "Fergalicious", I offer the following blast from the past. (I told you I was feeling a bit gangsta! Or something like that.)

And yes, I know every word. Can you believe Fred Durst was ever that skinny?

Cats Beware

I just returned from my annual HOA meeting.

I was definitely not feeling shy this evening, and loved having a captive forum who had no choice but to listen to me bitch.  I cannot be certain that my voice was heard due to the fact that the majority of the population was a tad senior and therefore hard of hearing.  But I was still satisfied with my efforts.

Needless to say, all feral cats (and the residents who feed them) should beware. 

Yes, Mary, I'm talking to you.  Remember, you promised to stop feeding them in exchange for my vote.

You made a deal with the devil.

Former voice of Gamecocks dies | The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment

This will strike a chord with anyone who grew up with Gamecock football...Rest In Peace, Bob Fulton.  Enjoy announcing in that big football stadium in the sky!

Former voice of Gamecocks dies The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment

Video of the Day

You've got no dignity, Muriel!

This is an oldie, but definitely a classic.  These two Aussies have come a long way since this clip...

Post Election Blues

It's the day after Election Day, and I feel painfully neglected because my phone is not ringing off the hook with political robo-calls.

Despite this depression, it's Wednesday, and here are my mid-week thoughts:

• I became a bit burnt-out with election coverage last night, so I scraped the bottom of the television barrel and tuned into "Dancing With the Stars".  Kurt Warner-I have lost all respect for you.  You are officially a big pussy.  And I thought Gary Coleman died?  Or is it his twin who is still in the competition?  Not that I care.
• Kathy Griffin has a new special currently airing on Bravo.  By 10 pm last night, I was pretty high on Ambien, but from what I recall, it was pretty funny.
• Now that the election is over, have we heard the last from that psychotic preschool teacher Sarah Palin.  Or can we at least get a 2 month moratorium?  So far I've managed to honor my promise to not use the c- word on this blog.  I honestly cannot say how long that is going to last.
• I live in South Carolina, so don't even get me started on election results.  Not that I'm afraid to offend anyone, I'm just over it.

I just want to take this opportunity to say hello to my new reader(s) in Denmark!!!!!!

I'd love to hear from all of my readers, domestic and international, so feel free to drop me a line or post a comment.  And don't forget to vote in my latest poll.

I will try to be more interesting tomorrow.  Any suggestions for my Video of the Day?  I'm feeling a bit gangsta....

Rock the Vote!

I hope everyone exercised their RIGHT to vote today.  Now for the results to start rolling in.

Don't forget---if you somehow missed your chance, or are ineligible to vote in this country, there's still time to vote in my poll located to the right.  Your opinion counts.

Speaking of voting being a right and a privilege, I'm reminded of my time in Australia, and how voting there is compulsory.  They find it absurd that U.S. citizens would NOT vote.  Of course, that's an easy opinion to hold when your local officials would fine or imprison you for non-participation.  I still do not know what my opinion is regarding that policy.  I do think people should exercise their right (or shut the fuck up), but at the same time, it is a choice.  It's just a shame when that choice made due to laziness, and not out of conscious civic-mindedness, protest, or similar.

Readers from around the world, I'm interested to know your thoughts and opinions on this.

The Housewives were a Hotlanta mess last night.  NeNe and her Titties are still recovering from her surgery.  Last night, they went bra shopping.  I could have gone months without seeing that much NeNe.

Speaking of TMI, there was a whole lot of frank sex talk last night, most of it instigated by my favorite, Kandi.  Apparently, celibacy makes you want to about sex all the more.  Honestly though, the talk of vaginal insertion of sugar was a bit much.  Sounds sticky, and not sympathetic to the diabetic diet.

The only other interesting moment came when Kim took her youngest daughter furniture shopping.  In an attempt to determine what might best suit the daughter's decor (via hobbies, interests, etc), the sales clerk asked her what she likes.  The reply?  Fried chicken. 

Bless her heart.

Video of the Day

Just a little humor to take away the stress of Election Day and all the important political decisions we have to make.
Fantastic clip of Chelsea Handler mocking Rachel Zoe and her uber-important styling empire...

November 1st!

I cannot believe it's November!  And Monday again.

Tomorrow is Election Day.  I encourage all U.S. citizens to exercise their right to vote.  In order to provide extra practice, I'm starting a new poll.  Despite my dictatorial opinions, this blog is a product of democracy, so please participate.

There was a pretty poor showing by the Snee Farm trick-or-treaters last night.  I had 0.  I finally gave up all hope just before 9 pm and went up to watch "Dexter".  I was pretty disappointed, last year there seemed to be dozens of little ghosts and goblins knocking at my door.

I kept going outside to see if I could see any signs of life, but kept getting spooked.  I think all the scary movie viewings finally got to me.  I was expecting to see Michael Myers or similar rounding the corner.

Last night's episode of "Dexter" was excellent!  Lumen put on her best drag and went out clubbing, snagging one of her accused gang-rapists.  After taking the guy to a warehouse and shooting him (non-lethally), she panics and calls Dexter.  Dexter arrives and is furious with her for her display of blatant vigilante behavior, and is not completely convinced that the guy, who claims to be a dentist/husband/father, is guilty.  Long story short, they leave for a private conversation, come back and hear the guy talking on Lumen's cellphone to another one of the gang rapists.  He sealed his fate, and Dexter snaps his neck.  So at this point it looks like Dexter is agreeing to become Lumen's partner in crime.

Deb and Quinn are practically in love.  When did that happen?  I thought they were just boinking?  Gross.

Happy Halloween!

Boo!

I hope everyone is having a great Halloween!.  I'm doing my best to get in the holiday spirit.  Nothing says holiday fun like viewing "Halloween" and "Halloween II" beginning at 8 am.  I just can't get enough of those movies, although they hardly have as much effect that early in the morning.  It did reinforce my belief that hospital are really creepy places.

I just got back from watching "Paranormal Activity 2" at Towne Centre.  It was much better than anticipated, not so scary, just startling.  But much better than most sequels, and I highly recommend it.

All the little kiddies were trick-or-treating at the mall, and they had a Howl-o-ween pet costume contest.  I wish Jasper and Fletcher were more cooperative re:costumes.  They would have had a blast.

So here I am on a crisp late Sunday afternoon, awaiting my first round of trick-or-treaters.  I did manage to buy more treats yesterday.  For me and for them, although they had better hurry.  I cannot promise how long they will last.

For the first time this fall season, I'm having breakfast for dinner.  Bacon, eggs, and grits.  Is that just a Southern thing, or does everyone love that once the weather starts to get cooler?

Tonight I plan to wind the weekend down with "Dexter" of course.  There's also a new zombie show starting on AMC--"Walking Dead".  It actually got good reviews, but staying up until 11 pm watching TV would result in me being a zombie tomorrow.  I'll have to settle for the repeat sometime next week.

I hope all of my readers around the world have a safe and enjoyable Halloween.  Full press into the holiday season!

Our Cocks Are Up and Coming

What a great day for South Carolina football!

The Gamecocks defeated Tennessee 38-24.

And in insignificant ACC news, Clemson lost to Boston College.  Sorry, Dabo.

It appears that the SEC East division will go down to the wire.  Unfortunately, Florida just squeaked by Georgia in overtime.  Urban Meyer avoids a four game losing streak, and Florida continues their domination over UGA, winning 18 out of the last 21.

The spot in the championship game may be decided head-to-head in The Swamp in just a few weeks.  Maybe Vandy can pull off an upset over the Gators and give the Gamecocks a little breathing room.

I never thought I'd see the day when the SEC East was so mediocre.

Video of the Day

Isn't this the chick from the Rimmel London mascara commercial? I love the way she says "Dahhnnsa, dahhnnsaa..." (although the lyrics are pure rubbish).

Friday Fun

Yet another week winding down in dramatic fashion...

• It was great fun watching all the TV show hosts dressed up in their Halloween outfits today.  The best dressed award goes to Kelly Ripa as Snooki.  Worst effort goes to Tyra, who attempted Whoopi Goldberg.  Since when is Whoopi a costume?  Honorable mention is Joy Behar as Little Orphan Annie, although it wasn't much of a stretch (physically).
• I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing Al Roker (Superman) in tights. 
• What a dramatic day at work.  TGIF.
• Election day is quickly approaching.  Does that mean Sarah Palin will disappear for a year?
• Busy day tomorrow.  Must buy Halloween treats for the little monsters.  And must not devour them all prior to Halloween.
• Good luck to South Carolina tomorrow as they take on Tennessee.
• And finally, the tennis world says good riddance to Elena Dementieva, who retired today following her loss in the year-end championships.  Elena was extremely mean to me during my first year of volunteering at the Family Circle Cup.  She sort of made up for it the following year, but I still carry a grudge.  Pinko Commie Bitch.