Happy Halloween!

Boo!

I hope everyone is having a great Halloween!.  I'm doing my best to get in the holiday spirit.  Nothing says holiday fun like viewing "Halloween" and "Halloween II" beginning at 8 am.  I just can't get enough of those movies, although they hardly have as much effect that early in the morning.  It did reinforce my belief that hospital are really creepy places.

I just got back from watching "Paranormal Activity 2" at Towne Centre.  It was much better than anticipated, not so scary, just startling.  But much better than most sequels, and I highly recommend it.

All the little kiddies were trick-or-treating at the mall, and they had a Howl-o-ween pet costume contest.  I wish Jasper and Fletcher were more cooperative re:costumes.  They would have had a blast.

So here I am on a crisp late Sunday afternoon, awaiting my first round of trick-or-treaters.  I did manage to buy more treats yesterday.  For me and for them, although they had better hurry.  I cannot promise how long they will last.

For the first time this fall season, I'm having breakfast for dinner.  Bacon, eggs, and grits.  Is that just a Southern thing, or does everyone love that once the weather starts to get cooler?

Tonight I plan to wind the weekend down with "Dexter" of course.  There's also a new zombie show starting on AMC--"Walking Dead".  It actually got good reviews, but staying up until 11 pm watching TV would result in me being a zombie tomorrow.  I'll have to settle for the repeat sometime next week.

I hope all of my readers around the world have a safe and enjoyable Halloween.  Full press into the holiday season!

Our Cocks Are Up and Coming

What a great day for South Carolina football!

The Gamecocks defeated Tennessee 38-24.

And in insignificant ACC news, Clemson lost to Boston College.  Sorry, Dabo.

It appears that the SEC East division will go down to the wire.  Unfortunately, Florida just squeaked by Georgia in overtime.  Urban Meyer avoids a four game losing streak, and Florida continues their domination over UGA, winning 18 out of the last 21.

The spot in the championship game may be decided head-to-head in The Swamp in just a few weeks.  Maybe Vandy can pull off an upset over the Gators and give the Gamecocks a little breathing room.

I never thought I'd see the day when the SEC East was so mediocre.

Video of the Day

Isn't this the chick from the Rimmel London mascara commercial? I love the way she says "Dahhnnsa, dahhnnsaa..." (although the lyrics are pure rubbish).

Friday Fun

Yet another week winding down in dramatic fashion...

• It was great fun watching all the TV show hosts dressed up in their Halloween outfits today.  The best dressed award goes to Kelly Ripa as Snooki.  Worst effort goes to Tyra, who attempted Whoopi Goldberg.  Since when is Whoopi a costume?  Honorable mention is Joy Behar as Little Orphan Annie, although it wasn't much of a stretch (physically).
• I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing Al Roker (Superman) in tights. 
• What a dramatic day at work.  TGIF.
• Election day is quickly approaching.  Does that mean Sarah Palin will disappear for a year?
• Busy day tomorrow.  Must buy Halloween treats for the little monsters.  And must not devour them all prior to Halloween.
• Good luck to South Carolina tomorrow as they take on Tennessee.
• And finally, the tennis world says good riddance to Elena Dementieva, who retired today following her loss in the year-end championships.  Elena was extremely mean to me during my first year of volunteering at the Family Circle Cup.  She sort of made up for it the following year, but I still carry a grudge.  Pinko Commie Bitch.

Video of the Day

With lines like "I want some Act-SHONE..." and "I got to boogie...", what's not to love about this classic?

Never realized Sylvester Stallone's ex sang it...

So glad it's almost Friday---I really do got to boogie.

Happy Hump Day

Happy Hump Day, everyone!  It's Wednesday, and as usual, I have many mid-week observations and opinions.

• I have a confession to make.  I don't get all the hoopla around "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".  I saw it once in college, and in 10 second bits since then.  And I still ask myself--what's the big freaking deal?  Kinda stupid if you ask me...  All of this was brought to my attention last night when my least-favorite (stupid) show, "Glee", had their RHPS-centric episode.  Gag me with a spoon.
• It was an unusually warm October day.  High 80's.  WTF!?!
• I had totally planned to rant on douchebag Charlie Sheen's latest hotel hijinx, but now I don't think that he deserves the space in my blog.  He's just a mess, and should consider hooking up with Ms. Lohan.  I just don't get those two, but I think they are definite proof that addictions are very real and powerful.
• I'd like to welcome my newest readers in Japan!   Domo arigato!  I feel like such a rock star.
• Believe it or not, I had a nice visit with the dentist this afternoon.  Cleanings every three months and daily flossing make such a difference.  Thanks, Dr. K!
• Speaking of dentists....I'm ashamed to report that I've already consumed the Halloween candy I bought this past weekend.  I choose not to report how many bags.  I'll need to replenish or suffer the wrath of disappointed trick-or-treaters.  I can't wait to see what little monsters come to the door this year.  I'm hoping for at least one miniature Lady Gaga.

We're in the homestretch---can't wait for the weekend.  Sally and Danielle, get my chicken ready...

Back to the Housewives

Today began with a rather rude realization.  The cast of "Back to the Future" reunited on the "Today" show this morning.  To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the film.  WTF?  Has it really been that long?

To add to the insult, the original "Halloween" was on TV last night.  Although nearly as old as moi, that film still creates a fierce fright.  I remember hearing that the little girl Jamie Lee Curtis was babysitting in the movie is Kyle from the new "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills".  My, how quickly they grow up.  At least I'm younger than her.

Speaking of housewives, last night's "Real Housewives of Atlanta" was pretty entertaining.  NeNe decided to get plastic surgery---on her nose, pooch, and "titties".  Love hearing her say the word "titties" in her ghetto-fabulous Southern drawl!  I thought it pretty ironic that she had all of her work done by Dr. Whiteman.  I'm just saying.

Bless her heart, the really great footage was from her rambling high as a kite as a result of anesthesia and post-op drugs.  I sympathize with her, as many embarrassing phone calls and voice mails have originated from my Ambien-induced stupors.

In other parts of the ATL, Sheree is still a heartless shrew who thinks she's above everyone.  Phaedra had her Southern-themed baby shower, complete with ballerinas and a waltzing Dwight.  I cannot explain it any better than that.  Wouldn't it have been funny if NeNe's surgery resulted in her having Dwight's Michael Jackson-esque nose?

And last, but not slut, I mean least, is Kim, who is planning for her sophomore single.  A classic like "Tardy For the Party" will be hard to top, but I'm sure Kandi can come up with something.

Dexter

On last night's "Amazing Race", a vegetarian contestant was forced to eat meat for the first time in over twenty years.  The meat in question was a sheep's head, and the dish was supposedly part of Norwegan Christmas tradition.  Although she accomploshed the task without vomiting, it did not make a strong case for a holiday visit to Norway.  I'm an avid meat-eater, but this made me throw up in my mouth just a bit.

As usual, CBS was running behind, so I had to switch channels without knowing who was eliminated.  A new episode of "Dexter" seemed more gripping than sheep's head.

Lumen's introduction into Dexter's life continued to present problems.  Obsessed with getting revenge on her gang-rapists, she enlisted Dexter's assistance in offing a troll living under the Miami bridge called home by the city's sex offenders.  Fortunately for the sex offender in question, Dexter realized (just in the nick of time, no pun intended) that he had the wrong guy.  He later saved the man's life a second time, this time stopping Lumen before she re-enacted the Legend of Billie Jean.  Fair is fair.

Tensions continued to mount between LaGuerta and Batista, as he obsessed over hearing that that his wife is known for giving the best blow-jobs in South Florida.  I still sense some domestic violence in the future.

Quinn is still hot on the tail of Deb, and hot on the trail of Dexter.  The end of the episode saw him enlisting the aid of a dirty cop to help him get the goods on Dexter.  Me thinks he's fucking with the wrong guy.  Buh-bye, fucktard.

As for Deb's investigation of the Santa Muerta killer, that particular story arc introduced us to a particularly gruesome crime scene with two maggot-infested victims.  Between that and the "Amazing Race" sheep head, I have not had much of an appetite today.

Video of the Day

Another trip down 80's memory lane, in honor of Pee-Wee's upcoming Broadway run.

Halloween Costumes

Halloween had always been one of my favorite holidays.  Despite the fact that I've failed to actively participate in recent years, I still get a kick out of looking at the various costume choices offered each year.  There's no better place to admire the vast possibilities than at the local Walmart.

With that being said, I found myself at the Mount Pleasant Super Walmart today perusing the current offerings.  This outing made me ponder over a few odd things, which is not entirely unusual when I'm shopping at Walmart.

Is it just me, or does there seem to be a slutty presentation of every character or occupation portrayed?  Slutty nurse, slutty nun, slutty pirate wench.  Why does a girl (or guy) have to be slutty?  Where are the chaste alternatives, especially for the girls who are slutty in their normal lives, and who would like to portray something that goes against their everyday character for Halloween?

Also, I feel sorry for the models who appear on the packaging for these costumes.  I'm sure they all had grandiose aspirations of being America's Next Top Model, yet they are relegated to modeling cheap polyester costumes and wigs.  Is that something worthy of display in their portfolio?  Smiling with your eyes while dressed as Slutty Tinkerbell hardly proves modeling potential to the agents at Elite Model Management.

Because I'm always first in line to poke fun at myself, here's a blast from the past, circa Halloween 2002, at Sharon and David's party back in Atlanta.  Coincidentally, this was the LAST time I celebrated the holiday in costume.  For those not recognizing the obvious resemblance, I was Eminem from his "Without Me" video.

Just in case my fellow brunettes are wondering, I can confirm, based on the events throughout this evening, that blondes do indeed have more fun.  The lady working the McDonald's breakfast drive through I happened upon at 7 am the next morning can attest to my worn-out state...
  

Duet with Celine Dion

 

Wooing Anna Nicole Smith



Hanging with the Osbournes

With newborn baby Mambo

 And finally, my original inspiration...

Monica and David

What a beautiful autumn day in South Carolina!  Still warm enough to sport a flimsy t-shirt, yet just cool enough to make my nipples perky.  Nice!

For those who might accuse me of constantly watching complete and utter trash on television, I'm happy to report that I began the day with a very interesting HBO documentary called "Monica and David".  The title characters, two individuals with Down syndrome, met at their adult skills program and subsequently fell in love.  This documentary follows their wedding and newlywed life.

I don't have any friends or family affected by Down syndrome, so I found the program very interesting.  It brought about many feelings and emotions---heartwarming, heartbreaking, funny, and sad.  All of which make me somewhat uncomfortable, but I still would highly recommend viewing.  It's only an hour of your life and provides a different perspective on life and love.

I then attempted to undo all intellectual and emotional progress by watching a repeat of Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens Live" on Bravo.  This little fella and his reality-programming empire never cease to amaze me.  He's such a crazy-eyed little lush, and I have fantasies of watching him get into a drunken bitch-fight with Anderson Cooper.

I'm now ending the day by watching the Tennessee-Alabama game on ESPN.  South Carolina is playing Vanderbilt in Nashville, but the broadcast quality and commentary are pretty poor.  Even without my direct viewership support, I'm still confident that they can rebound from last week's loss and take the lead in the SEC East division.

Video of the Day

This video rocks for so many reasons, but it holds a special place in my heart due to Pepa's flawless execution of the Roger Rabbit (~ 2 min 11 sec).

The Roger Rabbit was one of my signature moves back in the day.

Get up on this..

Video of The Day

One of my very first crushes.  Apparently I had a thing for blondes...Olivia, Deborah, Farrah...

Friday!

Happy Friday, loyal readers.  Especially my newest fans in South Africa!

After a fairly productive week, I left Charlotte late yesterday afternoon.  I made a quick stop in Columbia to have a quick bite to eat with Tonya.  It was a pleasant surprise to be able to catch up with her at our little Mexican restaurant.

Unfortunately, Ashley and little Jay-Z bailed on me.  Get well soon to my bro-in-law while he nurses his knee back to health.  Ashley IS a nurse, but I think a 3 week-old and a crippled husband are more than she signed up for right now.  Jay-Z will probably be half-grown by the time she gets to see me again.

Today was a fairly uneventful workday.  Pretty quiet for a Friday, and no fires to put out. Every day should be that way.

On a personal note, I did have a run-in with Mary the Feral Cat Feeder, who lives next door to me.  Apparently she thinks it's funny that she supports the wild feline population with Tender Vittles, and confessed that she has even given them names.

Mary---I'm tired of my doggies be taunted by evil cats, and having my shoulder pulled out of the socket when they try to bolt.   Tired of seeing them dig up cat turds, which are like little Tootsie Rolls to them.  Of hearing the meowing late at night from horny pussies.  Tired of no longer seeing birds and squirrels outside my window.

Furthermore, I'm tired of the little cat paw prints on top of my car.  I let you off easy when your senile self backed into my car and scraped my paint job.  I will NOT be so forgiving next time, as your little furry friends have been Dancing With the Stars all over my paint job.

So there's my argument, Mary, gauntlets have been thrown.  If you want to be an elderly cat lady, keep them inside.  This is war.  On you AND your pussies.

After that drama, of course I had to end the night with a trip to Long Point Grill.  I can't think of a better way to end the week.  Thanks always to the best waitresses in Charleston, Sally and Danielle.  See you guys next week.

It's 7:30 PM and I want to crawl into bed now.  I have no idea what I'll do this weekend, but I'll definitely be starting it out with a nice 12 hour sleep...

Video of the Day

Doesn't this make you want to do a jig?

Playa

Another Atlanta Housewife observation I caught during a repeat episode last night...

NeNe has a new puppy.  She named it Playa.  I find this hilarious.

For those of you not fluent in ghetto, here is the phonetic example.
Does not sound like: I cannot wait to go back to Playa del Carmen for vacation.  Me gusto mucho.
Sounds like: Sup, Playa?  Whatchoo be lookin' at yo?

The Reaper Only Rings Once

Hollywood blue-hairs over the age of 70 should definitely check before opening the door, as the Grim Reaper has paid a visit to yet another icon.

Tom Bosley, better known as Howard Cunningham on the long-running 70's sitcom "Happy Days", has passed away at the age of 83.  I have very fond childhood memories of that show, not to mention his numerous guest appearances on The Love Boat.  Lucky fella.

So this brings the recent death toll to two (Barbara Billingsley/June Cleaver).  These things always happen in three's.  Who's next?

In "Real Housewives" drama, Vicki from the Orange County posse has filed for divorce from her long-suffering, whipped partner Donn.  I guess last year's renewal of the vows in a tropical locale was not what the doctor ordered.  Hmph.

Last night's "Real Housewives of Atlanta" put me to sleep.  The only note-worthy event was Kim's live "performance" of her mega-hit "Tardy for the Party".  The person responsible for attempting to cram her into that little black dress should be shot.  Did you really think those things would stay in?  Seriously, what a laughable scene it was.  It just goes to show that true talent is no longer needed in the entertainment industry.  Any bimbo with a gimmick can stretch 15 minutes of fame into a bona fide profession.  Maybe I should record a song...

Greetings from Charlotte!

I arrived in beautiful Charlotte in record speed.  Traffic and weather were both on my side.  Thank you, Interstates 26 and 77 for making my drive tolerable. 

NPR definitely makes the drive more interesting.  Today I learned about the blister beetle, which is capable of secreting two chemicals which, when combined, make sulfuric acid.  Fancy.

Now that I've checked into the hotel, unpacked, and ironed my fashions, I can focus on my my opinions and observations.  It's Monday, and I'm just full of them.  Or something like that...

• In tennis news, I'm happy to report that Andy Murray trounced Roger Federer 6-3 6-2 in Shanghai yesterday.  I'm not a huge Murray fan, but I'm even less of a Federer fan.  I do have a valid reason for despising him, but I'll save that story for a future post.
• "Jerseylicious" was fantastic last night.  At least from what I remember.  Unfortunately, due to programming conflicts, I had to catch the 10 PM airing.  That always leaves me with suspect recollection.  However, from what I DO remember, the highlight of the show was around Tracey, Gigi, and The Tit Fairy participating in speed dating.  Always ready to create a scene, Alexa the Tit Fairy ended up watering a potential suitor.  Meanwhile, Olivia decided that it would be a great idea to go out with Tracey's ex.  A little bit of payback goes a long way.  Words and loogies were exchanged, but that's where I began to fade.  I'm going to have to catch a recap once I get back home.
• 60 days until my cruise
• 166 days until the Family Circle Cup tennis tournament.  Get ready, David.
• The BCS standings were released today and Boise State was shown no respect.  Finally, something with which I agree!!!
• I just read that the new Hoover Dam bypass bridge is now open.  Sharon, does this mean that our real estate in Kingman is finally ready to skyrocket?

Can't wait for my weekly dose of Hotlanta madness at 9 PM on Bravo...

Dexter

What a juicy episode of "Dexter"!  Things are definitely starting to heat up.

The latest episode was about trust.  Dexter is either in the process of building it, maintaining it, or losing it.

He definitely lost the trust of creepy Irish nanny.  But that is to be expected when you never come home to relieve her.  Round the clock service was apparently not in the job position.  After temporarily quitting the position, she decided that Dexter begging and Harrison laughing at someone off-camera provided an irresistible combination.  So she's taking a leap of faith and giving Dexter one more chance.  I doubt that lasts too long, as it looks like Dexter spends another late night out in the swamp.

Quinn is still hell-bent on proving that Dexter is Kyle Butler, and tracked down Trinity's family in witness protection.  After confronting Jonah in a Kangaroo station, he was busted just before getting positive identification.  For his efforts, LaGuerta suspended him.  I almost feel sorry for the guy, I mean, he is right after all.

Deb's attempt to track down the Santa Muerta killer(s), resulted in a botched raid in which a hostage had his throat slit with a machete and the bad guy got away.  I'm glad my job isn't so dramatic.  Unfortunately, this sent her reeling straight into Quinn's bed again.  Yuck.

And saving the best for last, Lumen, the new character played by Julia Stiles, finally regained consciousness and attempted numerous escapes, but was recaptured by Dexter each time.  It was like watching Road Runner and Coyote.

Apparently Boyd, the creepy road-kill sanitation man, and Dexter's victim last week, was not the only person responsible for her rape/captivity/torture.  So while Dexter can rest easy that the sole witness to his latest crime is not going to narc him out, it looks like he's going to have a little vigilante to deal with.  She should ask Miguel Prado how that worked out. 

At least this temporarily solves the babysitting problem if creepy Irish nanny decides to finally wash her hands of the whole situation.

Video of the Day

This is a really good song for the StairMaster...

Football

Yesterday was a pretty frenzied day in the college football world.

South Carolina, fresh off their biggest win ever, provided fans with yet another disappointment that proved the program does not know how to handle consistent success.  Longtime Gamecock fans are used to this rollercoaster of emotion.  Call it a letdown, or call it the Chicken Curse.  Either way, they were in control of that game and pretty much handed it to Kentucky.  Don't even get me started on the bad coaching in the final drive.

Luckily for the Gamecocks, each week is indeed a new week, and they've proven what they are capable of when they are at their best.  The race for the SEC East is still wide open, thanks in part to an equally inconsistent Florida.  But there can be no more slip-ups.

Florida suffered their latest loss to Mississippi State AT The Swamp, which gives me hope that South Carolina can pull one off when we play there later in the season.

And wow, what a game Arkansas-Auburn turned out to be.  Arkansas looks to be South Carolina's most dangerous upcoming opponent (aside from the imploding Gamecocks themselves).

In other games around the nation, the curse of the top-ranked team continued, when newly crowned Ohio State suffered its first defeat at the hands of Wisconsin.  Take that, little sweater-vested man.  I can barely care though, the Big Ten could not interest me any less.

In non-related football news, Barbara Billingsley, aka June Cleaver, passed away this weekend at the age of 94.  I have very fond memories of watching "Leave It To Beaver" (reruns) on Nickelodeon when I was younger.  No, I was not around for the first airing.

I have to spend a few days in Charlotte this week.  I don't mind the trip so much, but the timing could certainly be a little better.  David Sedaris, author-extraordinaire and my personal hero, is going to be in North Charleston Tuesday night for a reading.  I always seem to be out of town when he is here on tour.  Oh, well, maybe next year.  That will give me a little more time to read his latest book "Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk", which has been sitting on my kitchen counter for a couple of weeks now.  Sorry David, you just cannot compete with "The Housewives".

This trip will not be a total disappointment, however, as it will present me with the perfect opportunity for a hot date with Ashley and little Jay-Z on the way back home.  Can't wait.  I hope the little one hasn't forgotten me yet.  See you Thursday...

Goodwill

Ok, I'm in a better mood now.

I just returned from a trip to Goodwill, where I dropped off a few pairs of pants.  Granted, it wasn't much of a donation, but it was a decent first effort for me for the year.

The truth is, I'm a pretty bad packrat.  Not at the level seen on shows like "Hoarders", but still pretty bad.  I have clothes that I know for a fact I owned when I worked for SunTrust 13 years ago.  And the sad thing is, on a day to day basis, I pretty much wear the same five outfits, leaving three closets full of crap to collect dust.

Aside from clothes, I'm also notorious for collecting various electronic equipment, cables, and other outdated "stuff", along with the random things I've picked up during my travels.  When I'm 80 years old and cannot remember my name, I'll NEED a real estate brochure from Playa del Carmen to bring back memories of the cruise I took in 2004.  That's just the way my brain works.  I'm not saying it's normal.

So the past few weeks have been all about purging.  I just threw out expense reports from 2004-2007.

Now back to the clothes.  The clothes are especially hard to get rid of.  I could gain 15 pounds again and need those larger pants.  Or hunter green Ralph Lauren Andrew style pants,ever fashionable on country estates, could once again look appropriate in an office setting.  So many potential variables to torment me.

It's nothing to take lightly or joke about.  All this talk about retro this and retro that, and vintage clothing being so sought after makes me think I could be sitting on top of a goldmine.  I could kick myself in the ass for getting rid of my good clubclothes from the 80's and 90's.  I wonder how much my long-ago discarded Hammer pants would fetch on eBay?

I suppose there's no sense in basking in the past by wallowing in tangible rubbish, and I still retain sufficient memories to remind me of every era of my life.  Besides, that which I do not remember, I'll simply relive.  So next week I'll painfully gather another bundle to take to Goodwill, hoping that someone can find use of that which I no longer need.  In exchange, I'll gladly take away the feeling of giving to those in need, as well as a receipt for a tax deduction and freed-up closet space.

Video of the Day

This is an oldie but goodie, and really makes me happy.  Wasn't she the hottest?

Sarah Palin and Others Who Annoy Me

OK, just a small glass of Haterade to start the weekend.  Because I just woke up and I am grumpy.

• Sarah Palin.  Why is this woman still relevant?  Just the sound of her voice makes me want to shove things into my ears.  It reminds me of the old Tarzan cartoon I watched when I was little.  Sometimes Tarzan, who could communicate with all of the jungle animals, would open his mouth a let out a big freaking screech, which would let all the hawks and birds know that he needed their help.  If you're watching her new show, please do not tell me.  You will NEVER be reading a review of that on this site, as I will NEVER be THAT desperate.  P.S.-To my friend who likes to try to drag me into political arguments----can you define socialism yet and are you able to provide me with an example of a socialist country.  Je pense que non.  You still make me chuckle.
• Will my neighbors who leave food out for the feral cat population please stop?  This is really a problem.  You know who you are.  Mary.
• Roger Federer, I knew you were a greasy-haired little cheater.  I don't care if you do wear a tux on the tennis court, it's like Beevis and Butthead always said.  You can't polish a turd.

OK, I'm all better now.

13 Things To Know About Me...

This is a bit of a cop-out post, but fun nonetheless...

1. My favorite color is black.  Because I cannot match regular colors.
2. I have a degree in French.  France is my favorite place in the world.  France allowed me to explore all the things I never knew I wanted to be, back when I knew nothing about myself or anything else.  Deep, huh?  Don't get used to it.
3. The quickest way to piss me off is to cut me off (in traffic or when speaking).
4. Reality TV is my guilty pleasure.  Duh.
5. I LOVE corn dogs and Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
6. My first dog's name was Smut.  No, not Slut, I didn't know that word yet.
7. I love 70's music (followed by the 80's).  Good times in a different world.
8. When I was little, I ran away from home to go live on The Love Boat.  I didn't get very far, but that's another story.
9. I love cruises.  So trashy.
10. I used to play ninja with my neighbor Clay.  I was a bad-ass with a throwing star.  Not so much with the nunchucks.  True story.
11. My favorite movie is "Pretty Woman".  I have no idea why, it's fluffy and perky and everything I typically despise.  But it was released back in the day when I was sweet, innocent, and not corrupted by society or life.
12. The movie character I feel best embodies my personality is Ouiser, (sounds like Weezer), the crotchety old hag played by Shirley MacLaine in "Steel Magnolias".  I suppose it would be butcher to say Bruce Willis's John McClane from the "Die Hard" films, but those who know me understand completely.
13. I'm really embarrassed that I've never seen any of "The Godfather" movies.  I'm not easily peer-shamed.  In fact, I usually revel in going against the norm and being difficult.  But watching these movies is a priority must-rectify.

Friday. Again!

I LOVE Fridays. Much better than Christmas because they come once a week!  It's suddenly chilly outside, but it's a good reminder that we're knee deep in the middle of football season.  This should be another good weekend.  Good luck, Gamecocks!  No letdown against Kentucky, please.

First of all, I'd like to wish my friend Tonya luck on her interview this morning.  She's also dealing with the sudden illness of her mom and the family circus that has followed.  How she can maintain a thought process is beyond me, but I admire her strength and focus.

Now for more trivial observations...

The Douche of the Day Award goes to Bill O'Reilley.  As for Joy and Whoopi, good for you two!  I would have punched him.  And Barbara---just be quiet and stay out of it.  Your opinion became irrelevant when you did your last Oscar special.  Actually, it was when when you stopped doing the "Today" show, but not many people remember that, and I don't want to date myself.

For those of you who thought it was not possible, I AM capable of turning down a good reality show.  I did NOT watch the premiere episode of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" last night.  Yes, even I have my limits.  This surely will strike a serious blow to Andy Cohen and his evil Bravo TV empire.

And one final small confession for the morning---I caught a few minutes of the TLC show "Sister Wives" a few nights ago.  I don't get it.  Did this guy really think that he could be polygamous AND have a reality show AND not have bigamy charges filed against him?  Being on Oprah yesterday certainly didn't help keep things on the DL.

He's really creepy, this guy.  How did he get four chicks?  He doesn't look like that much of a stud, even in his high school prom pictures.  This is definitely not the warm and fuzzy polygamy portrayed on HBO's "Big Love". 

McNasty

Ok, I'm about to confess a guilty pleasure, but at least I now know I am not alone.

I just ran across this article about the McRib sandwich.  For those of you who are not familiar with McDonald's McRib, it has been offered off and on for years and years.  It's not a year-round menu item, but instead makes surprise appearances every now and again, just like a BBQ-coated cold-sore.

Basically, a McRib is mystery meat drenched in sauce.  It sounds disgusting, but it works.  Give it a try.  I'm also very happy to know that there is a McRib Locator at www.kleincast.com that will help me locate where this little piece of heaven is currently being offered.

Random Thought Thursday

Yesterday was a minor success.  My project team made it unscathed through our business requirements review with the teams from Mexico, Colombia, Brazil, and Chile.  Imagine the language barrier combined with the static presented by half a dozen conference lines and speakerphones, and you'll understand why I'm still a bit fried.

So in order to give the brain a break, it's Random Thought Thursday.  In honor of my conference call yesterday, I will focus on topics related to foreign places such as Chile, Mexico, and New Jersey.

• I'm very happy all those Chilean miners were finally rescued.  It's about time.  I cannot imagine being stuck in a cramped place for that long.  My friend Michelle mentioned how emotional it was seeing them emerge from the darkness.  All I could wonder is how much weight each person lost during that time.  Has to be the best diet ever, even if a form of manorexia.
• WTF is going on in Mexico?  A sheriff being beheaded?  It's playing out like an episode of Dexter.  And that's all I want to say about it, I don't need them targeting me or my blog.
• I don't think I've mentioned the latest episode of "Jerseylicious". This continues to be a fantastic show, but on such an obscure channel that I always forget when it airs.  This week featured a mother/daughter event, with some random chick who calls herself LRL brought in to coordinate.  She was a hot mess minus the hot.  This was one of those situations where it looked like the producers were trying their hardest to introduce some drama for the sake of the viewers.  Next week appears to be especially promising, when Olivia dates Tracey's ex, and a catfight ensues.  Could Alexa's tits get any bigger?

Quick Shout...

Just a couple of quick shout outs to----

1. My new readers in Germany.  Welcome.  I am way cooler than David Hasselhoff.  Honest.
2. My friend Shazza and her posse, who are all enjoying a relaxing holiday in the B.V.I..  Although I am jealous as hell and think you're all bitches, here's wishing you sunny weather and good times!!!

The Situation

Although I do not watch the show, I just saw that The Situation is the latest casualty voted off of "Dancing With the Stars".

Is it just me, or does home-dude look like Benjamin Button?  That was the character portrayed by Brad Pitt in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", in which the title character aged backwards. 

I'm so glad I took the advice of...um, society...and laid off the tanning beds before I added fifty years to my face.

So even though The Situation is reportedly making  upwards of five million dollars for doing nothing, I still take comfort in the fact my broke ass still looks middle-aged---and not like an octogenarian guido with overworked abdominals.

Flipping Out

Season finales of "Flipping Out" always make me sad, and this season was no different.  Jeff Lewis and company always leave me wanting more.

By far the funniest moment of the night was Zoila's encounter with Monkey's asshole. 

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, Zoila is Jeff's English-language-challenged housekeeper.  Monkey is his cat.  Apparently, Monkey had some stomach issues, Zoila tried to clean it, and the touching of the asshole ensued.

Zoila really cracks me up.  I know it's not nice to make fun of people, but her thick accent combined with her willingness to stand up to Jeff provide much needed comic relief.  You can't help but feel for her.

Later in the episode, Jeff and the gang headed to New York City for the unveiling of Jeff's kitchen design showcase in Rockefeller Center.  It wouldn't be a complete episode without a hint of drama, which came from Jeff's initial decision not to take Jenny on the trip.  This of course did not occur, Jenny went on the trip, and they all lived happily ever after.

I really wish someone would come along and steal Jenny away from Jeff and his abuse/bullshit.  I'm sure we only see a partial glimpse of their relationship, but why she stays in this relationship is beyond me.  I think she may have a touch of battered woman syndrome.

Can't wait for the reunion show.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Things were a little ho-hum in Atlanta last night, with an emphasis on the Ho.

Sheree went on a blind date.  Why anyone would ever want to risk going out with that jackal is beyond me.  Clearly, nothing would ever be good enough, from choice of venue to the offered flowers.  No wonder her husband divorced her.

We were finally introduced to Cynthia, the newest housewife.  She is/was a supermodel who has never been married.  If the fact that her S.O. is trying to put a ring on her finger turns out to be her major storyline, then she's going to bore me to tears.

As usual, all attention was centered on NeNe.  Her son Brice decided he wants to move back home, but NeNe had to put him through the wringer first.  They decided on a 90 day period, during which he could get a job, save some money, and then be out for good on day 91.  That hardly seems worth the moving boxes and tape if you ask me.

Kandi performed a mini-concert at Cynthia and partner's ?club?restaurant?.  Of course NeNe used that as the stage to have a confrontation with Dwight.

Cause girl STILL wanted some answers.

Ok, here's the deal.  I lived in Atlanta.  The city is huge, and there are plenty of things going on.  Why must these people show up at the same events if they know there will be drama.  Bravo TV and Andy Cohen, that's why!

In the end, both parties actually remained calm for a change, talked like human beings, and hugged it out.  It was truly a Hallmark moment.

Oh, and Kim's wig was a hot mess.  Can't wait for next week's episode, when she performs "Tardy For the Party" in a tutu.  She honestly believes all of her hype.

Close Your Legs To Married Men

..and other words of wisdom from Nene.

Five minutes until the trashtastic "Real Housewives of Atlanta"!!!

Dexter

I'm still not really feeling it for "Dexter", but last night's episode showed a little more promise.  Julia Stiles's character was finally introduced.  It looks like she was an almost-victim of Dexter's latest victim.  She witnessed Dexter offing her captor, so let's see how he gets out of that pickle.

Harrison's new Irish nanny kind of gives me the creeps.  I wonder what her secret is?

LaGuerta and Angel, can you please stop throwing around the random Spanish words?  We get it.  You're in Miami.  You're Latino/Latina.  You're about diez palabras from making each episode require Level 1 Rosetta Stone.

Quinn is still creepy, and I'm beginning to think manorexic.  Who is skinner, him or Debra?  The two of them screwing is like rubbing two sticks together, and they seriously run the risk of starting a fire.

Poor Fletcher

Came downstairs this morning to a nice big pile of dog puke.  I think it was Fletcher.  Poor thing.

Not a nice way to start out a Monday.  I know it's from his OCD licking.  Ruined my appetite for breakfast, so thanks for the help re: diet.

This is going to be a tough week.  Big deadline getting this requirements document approved, and after the drama of last week it will probably be a fight to the finish.  But that will make Friday all the sweeter.  Is it too soon to start counting down?

I managed to do a little vacation planning last night.  That consisted only of booking a hotel halfway between Charleston and Miami, when I'll be driving down for my pre-Christmas cruise.  That cannot come soon enough.  But it's almost under the two month mark.  The mere thought of an impending vacation should make it a little easier to get through the week.

Beautiful Sunday

I know I'm going to shock everyone and risk shattering my grumpy image, but WOW what a beautiful day!

Sunny with a high of 83 degrees.  Took a nice walk on Sullivan's Island.  Traffic was a bit of a mess because of Taste of Charleston at Boone Hall Plantation, but I managed to make it home in one piece.  The Beach Boys concert at the new hospital did not help matters---I avoided Highway 17 completely.

I wish I could say I was more productive today, but the relaxation was good enough.  I did manage to conquer my inner packrat and shred some expense reports taking up space since 2004.  I really have to stop saving so much crap.

Ooh, the Gamecocks managed to crack the Top 10.  That's probably why I'm in such a good mood, still on a high from last night's football games.

Never fear, Monday is just hours away, and I'm sure my mood will darken...

Almost forgot about "Dexter" tonight.  If that doesn't shatter this Pollyanna mood, nothing will.

Here Comes The Rooster

The No. 19 Gamecocks beat top-ranked Alabama 35-21, ending the nation's longest win streak at 19. It's South Carolina's first win over a No. 1 team. --- ESPN.com

Wow, what a great day to be a Gamecock!  After years and years of waiting, we finally have a win over a number one ranked team (in football).  It looked like they were trying to give it away a few times, but they held it together.

It's been a pretty good year for South Carolina athletics so far.  The basketball team knocked off #1 ranked Kentucky.  Then the baseball team brought home the national championship from the College World Series.  And now this.  Here's hoping they keep it up.

Our Cocks are up and coming!!!

Baby Monkey

This is the funniest thing I've seen all year...thanks Raymond!

This Makes Me Want to Puke

'Two and a Half Men' Kid Signs $300,000-Per-Episode Deal

T.G.I.F.

Hot damn!  Survived another grueling work week and made it to another Friday.  This week was especially gruesome as there is currently a lot of internal team drama on the project to which I'm assigned.  Luckily the conflict is between two other people, so I'm just on the outside looking in.  Still, it's mentally taxing.

What happened to the days when everyone just pitched in and worked together to get everything done?  It's just ridiculous how much more energy it takes to fight each other than to just buckle down and knock things out.  Sharon and I were talking today about "the good old days" at SunTrust. 

Even though hindsight is 20/20, and that was 10 years ago, it still seems that the corporate landscape and mentality has changed so much in that period of time.  I'm finally at that place where I compare everything to how it used to be, and the current state of the world always comes out smelling like shit.  Joy.

I have officially become corporate roadkill AND an old fart.  I suppose that's better than being an old shart.

Good luck to the Gamecocks tomorrow versus #1 ranked Alabama.  ESPN Gameday will be in Columbia and broadcasting from the Horseshoe.  Let's see how long it takes Chris Fowler to take a dig at South Carolina (rednecks, trailer parks, so many options...). 

That's OK.  I have a blog now, Chris, so my wrath will be fierce...

Random

I don't really have anything interesting to say, so this post will be like a "Seinfeld" episode---about nothing.

• Friday cannot come soon enough.  Just when I think things cannot get any crazier, they do.  So I'm just going to cease with the expectations of normalcy.
• Got an email from my tennis buddy today.  Traveling around the country, counting down the days until the Family Circle Cup tennis tournament, where we are volunteer drivers for the W.T.A. divas.  Six more months, David---and YOU'RE driving Dementieva this year.
• I was officially rejected by Chick-fil-A yesterday.  At least by their franchise selection committee.  Apparently they have no desire the open franchises in the areas I specified.  At least that is what I'm telling myself.  Because I know it couldn't be me personally (not after my heartfelt essay answers I concocted for my application).  I thought maybe boycotting would be a suitable manner of protest, but that would really just be hurting me.  Oh well, at least I can say I tried, and cross that off of my list.
• I cannot wait for my Friday night binge at Long Point Grill.  Buttermilk fried chicken breast, collard greens, and mashed potatoes.  Will undo all the good progress re:diet and exercise, but so worth it.  Sometimes being fat just seems worth it.
• I'd like to give a big shout out to my readers in Argentina and the Netherlands!  I would say something in Spanish, but then I would feel bad about neglecting the Dutch.
• Cool weather is finally here---had to turn on the heat last night.  I'll soon be longing for the 100 degree days.

Ok, I really am just rambling to take up space at this point.  I hope to have more entertaining thoughts tomorrow.

Flipping Out

Last night's "Flipping Out" was like a trip down memory lane.

All of the major excitement surrounded Trace, the newly graduated intern, who got bitchslapped by Chuck, a client.  It was quite shocking.

I have personal experience with being assaulted by drunk clients.  Picture it.  Jacksonville 2004.  Lush project manager picks up consultant from airport and refuses to go straight to the hotel, instead stopping by the local margarita/beer hangout where a group of bank employees are drinking.  I should have seen the writing on the wall.

The sad part is, I was not even drinking that night, but out of nowhere, this bald-headed mongrel named Gary decides to take the cigarette out of the my Project Manager's mouth---and put it out on my hand.

WTF-why MY hand?

So I can sympathize with Trace.  the odd part is, I reacted in the EXACT same way.  One would think the appropriate response would be a beer bottle upside the head.  Instead, I was so frozen with shock and disbelief over the inappropriateness of the event, that I just carried on like nothing happened.

I still have a tiny scar.  But at least the douchebag ended up getting fired.  That's what you get when you mess with Kevin, dipshit.

So the moral of the story is (to Trace any any other youngsters out there)---no good can come from going out drinking with clients. 

And a beer bottle to the head IS a totally acceptable reaction.

P.S.-Shame out you Jeff Lewis for not firing the client, you big pussy.  Money is not more important than taking up for your employees.  I hope they sue your cheap ass for hostile workplace.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Last night was the premiere of the new season of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta".  Finally, after a boring season of D.C. housewives, we're back to the trash that has made this franchise so successful for Bravo.

If the first episode and upcoming season teaser is a good indicator, this should be a wild ride.

Highlights to note:

• Kim and NeNe are miraculously back on speaking terms.  Doesn't look like it's going to last long though.
• About the only thing everyone agrees on now is that Dwight is a turd.  Boo be playin everyone.  I love how we're less than an hour into the season, and boo is already being checked.  Translator, please.
• The new girl, Photon, or whatever her name is, looks just like Sherri Shepherd.  She also has that annoying Southern attitude.  The attitude that geography and a floppy hat make a lady, unlike anywhere else in the world.  PuhLEAZE.  I don't care what anyone says, Southern belles disappeared when Sherman burned the city down.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is a throwback wannabe.  And by the way, you're mispronouncing foie gras, so check the 'tude, boo.
• NeNe has serious anger management issues.  I have a bad temper too, but in this day and age, it's not a good idea do get in someone's face the way she does.  I'm surprised that Dwight didn't claw at her, just shows what a wuss he is.
• Can someone please get Kim a better wig?  It's a good thing lesbians aren't known for being picky about hair.  Did I mention that Kim had had a girlfriend?  During a break from Big Poppa.
• I still love Kandi.  She's the most personable one of the bunch.  I just hope she doesn't do anything to ruin that assessment.
• Sheree was on pretty good behavior last night.  Kind of boring.
• Everyone still thinks they are so "fabulous".  Heard the term fabulosity used for the first time.  Not to be confused with travelocity.

So that was the evening in a nutshell.  Made me just a little homesick for Atlanta.  Just a little.  Not sure if I can take this AND the Housevives of Beverly Hills when they start next week.  A little housewife goes a long way...

50 Cent and Chelsea Handler -- Shot ... on a Date

Good grief.  This has to be a publicity stunt.

50 Cent and Chelsea Handler -- Shot ... on a Date

On This Day In History...

In an attempt to celebrate how long they've been around, the folks at "Entertainment Weekly" have been writing a column called "20 Years Ago This Week...".  This column features television shows and movies that were relevant during the magazine's early days.

Imagine my shock when I turned to that page last night and saw the debut of "Beverly Hills, 90210" featured.  Yes, this classic made its entrance on October 4, 1990, giving us gems like Tori Spelling, Jason Priestly, Luke Perry, and Shannen Doherty.

I was still in high school then.  I find this column depressing and cruel, and probably the brainchild of fresh-out-of-college twenty-somethings.

EW, it's OK if you want to remind yourself how old you are.  But do you have to remind the rest of us of our age in the process?

Sunday Night Tele

I have good news, and I have bad news.

The good news is that there was plenty of choice regarding television entertainment last night.

The bad news is that I'm finding it less and less interesting.

I think my love affair with "The Amazing Race" might be nearing an end.  I know it's only the second episode, and that personalities and storylines are just developing, but I just cannot seem to get excited.  How many times can I watch Americans act ignorant in devloping nations?  It all just seems too deja vu.

The only teams that stand out so far are the Home Shopping hostesses, who think they can kiss their way around the world (you'll get a cold sore), and the adopted mother/daughter team.  And while the whole we-found-each-other-after-all-these-years routine is nice, it does not merit sympathy past Episode 1.  So enough already.  Race.

"Dexter" is still building.  You can sense that next week is going to be a breakthrough week and that things will be back to "normal".  Something is up with LaGuerta.  Fishy money.  I wonder if she's going to be offed this season?

Finally, my night was salvaged with the new episode of "Jerseylicious".  The show revolved around fake boobs.  Olivia's best friend just had hers done, but declared that they did not hurt her back because they were just bags full of salt water.  Like going down to the ocean and filling up bags, but more sanitary.  Olivia then proceeded to put her ear to her chest to try and hear the ocean, as one would with a seashell. 

The other big drama at the Gatsby Salon was the introduction of a dress code.  Alexa the Glam Fairy declared herself the Norma Rae for fashion rights and had it out with owner Gayle.  Her Ellie Mae outfit was hilarious.  How this chick can call herself the Glam Fairy with a straight face is beyond me.  In the end, world peace was achieved when they all compromised and chose to wear black.  Someone send these top-notch negotiators to the Middle East.

Tonight is the season premiere of the Atlanta Housewives.  I'm not sure if I'm ready...

Weekend Roundup

I don't really know if I have much to say.  I just woke up, so I'm still in a pretty foul mood.

I had more strange dreams last night.  Too fragmented to even describe though, but I still have the overall feeling.  It's becoming a recurring thing. the nocturnal drama.  I think it's all tied to my recent realization that life is flying by.  So I'm panicking.  Questioning everything and everyone, most of all myself.

I think most of my friends are going through similar processes.  Maybe it's normal, and our parents went through it too, but just did not talk about it.  I just hope this phase passes soon.

In other news, I went through an entire day without calling and bugging my sister about the baby.  I'm sure she is relieved.

It was a pretty good day of college football yesterday.  I began with watching Clemson get beat, and that is ALWAYS a pleasure.  I watched another ACC stinker, N.C. State and Va. Tech.  I cannot make this a habit, as the Atlantic Coast Conference is a bad joke.  But the Gamecocks had the day off, so my choices were limited.

Also watched Bama beat up on Florida.  Never thought I'd feel sorry for the Gators, but Bama must be stopped.  And how about that LSU and UT game?  Poor little Vols.  Luck used to always go their way, now I think its Les Miles who has four-leaf clovers shooting out of his ass.

I closed the night out with episodes of "Jerseylicious" and "Jersey Shore".  I know, that's probably what gave me bad dreams.  If you haven't caught "Jerseylicious", it's actually the better of the two.  At least they have careers to go along with all of their drama.

On "Jersey Shore", it was fun to see Angelina fighting for women's rights and talking about man-grenades. I've become minorly obsessed with the term "grenade" since I heard The Situation say "We got Grenades!" in describing the "ladies" they'd picked up in the club. Unfortunately, when something like that gets in my head, I repeat it over and over like an autistic parrot, using it to mock everyone I see. That just happened to coincide with my recent trip to NYC, and I had to keep reminding myself that that is definitely not the type of catch-phrase I want to be heard muttering in airports and major tourist attractions.

"The Amazing Race" and "Dexter" come on tonight, so it's back to some quality enetertainment.

Coffee, Tea...Or Gaga? Flight Attendants Safety-Dance To Pop Hits

Does this remind anyone else of the ping-pong ball propelling wife from "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"---Lemonade here I make...me per-porm for you...

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/videogaga/59148/coffee-teaor-gaga-flight-attendants-safety-dance-to-pop-hits/

Jay-Z

I left Charlotte yesterday afternoon and made the quick drive to Columbia to meet little Jay-Z for the first time.

Baby, Mom, and Dad are all doing fine.

Maybe I'm a little biased, but she is SERIOUSLY cute.  I was fully prepared to lie and pretend that was cute no matter what.  Because you just never know, sometimes babies are really funny looking, but you don't want to call it ugly.  To its face.

Luckily, this was not the case, and my integrity/honesty or whatever you wanna call it remains intact.

I think the little tater might have been giving me a bit of attitude.  The whole time I was there, she refused to open her eyes and look at me.  But I'm not stupid.  I know she was playing possum.  I called Ashley on the way home, and she said that after I left, Jay-Z was all wide-eyed and perky, looking at everything.  Hmph.  We'll see about this.

I think I might be a little in love with her though.  I'm already obsessed with knowing what she is up to.  I'm probably going to drive my sister nuts.  It will be a good thing when Jay-Z is old enough to talk on the phone with me.

Ooh, I almost forgot the best part of the story.  Maybe this is normal, but I'm not used to hospital protocol and operations.  After she was born, they put a nifty little ankle bracelet on her.  Not the flimsy little plastic thing from my generation.  This looked like a heavy duty sensor commonly found at the Gap, used to foil the shoplifting attempts of juvenile and older delinquents.  The nurse informed me that if I tried to run off with the baby, it would sound an alarm and she would tackle me before I made it out of the hospital.  (Challenge?)  Baby's first bling is really Baby LoJack!!!

In my head, I was thinking yeah, right lady, the only thing that would get your ass out of first gear would be if I had the baby in one arm and a bucket of KFC in the other.  Miraculously, that thought stayed IN my head for a change.  Yes, believe it or not, I do have a filter and use it on occasion.

Don't get used to it.

Precious

I had a yet another really fucked up dream last night.  It woke me up at 3:30 AM, my usual witching hour.

In this dream, I was married to Precious.

Yes.  Precious.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Precious.  She (the actress) seems like a real likable gal during all the talk show appearances.  Even in the movie, the character was downtrodden, but somewhat lovable.

But seriously.  All I could think during this dream was-why me?  How did my life get to this point?  How is it that I am stuck married to Precious.

And let me just add, that in this dream, she was a fucking bitch.  We're talking devil-crawled-up-her-ass evil.  I don't remember much about the details, but there was an argument over a Christmas tree in a single-wide trailer.  I got the impression that she probably beat my ass on a regular basis, but mercifully I woke up.

Who had a worse dream than that?